 89 - not out - yet
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I just found out my Dad (who is in a dementia care home in NZ) had a fall yesterday and has a fractured hip. He will be operated on today and have it partly replaced with a metal joint.
He is 89 yrs old, has full dementia,severely damaged lungs from a lifetime of smoking, looks like a walking skeleton, but is like a tenacious weed in his ability to stay alive.
But I'm not sure if he will get through this one. At his age he would not heal quickly so may never walk properly again. There is also the fairly high risk of pneumonia or not surviving the operation.
I am not emotionally upset by the news as much as you might think. Partly because I have been saying goodbye for the last 10 years each time I fly over there and visit him, and partly because he wasn't much of a father. I have dealt with that huge issue as much as possible already (throughout my adult life) and forgiven him (that's also an ongoing process) but there's not much emotion remaining.
I'm wondering why I'm sharing this. Maybe because out our age this is a common experience ... Losing our fathers ... And maybe others are also struggling trying to reconcile loss of a father and their conflicting emotions because he may have been a crappy father.
Please don't misunderstand me here. Drgnslyr just lost his beloved Pop and my heart ones out to him in his grief.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Jun 2007
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Loquacious
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"You can't believe everything you read on the internet" : William Shakespeare
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Loquacious
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It's always tough to think about losing someone. Dementia is a tough one to cope with. We have a relative that we've watched go through the steps. She's had full on dementia for about 7 years. Fortunately, she recognized the signs early enough (her mother had it too) and she made all the appropriate arrangements long ago. I'm the closest relative she has and my Dad was her 3rd cousin. So I understand how you can feel like you've already said goodbye.
Our thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Jun 2009
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Loquacious
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I have no words,only my best wishes Richard.
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Kindest thoughts for you, your Dad and your family.
As you say, some of us are getting to that age where losing family will be inevitable.
I also dread the day that I will lose my parents.
Stay strong. Best wishes.
Kevin - Luceo Non Uro
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Jul 2007
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Worn Saddle
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Worn Saddle
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Tough stuff to deal with, buddy. My dad, who was the greatest, had a stroke last year and is barely mobil, and is losing his mental faculties fairly quickly. Even though your dad wasn't a good dad, you are a credit to him in caring.
Fidelis et Fortis
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Sep 2009
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Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
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Richard,
I understand a bit... still an ongoing process to reconnect slowly with my dad...
Also, watching others go through illness and still go on, sometimes through the pain, is not the best time to spend with them.
I do not ill wish anyone out there, but I feel that sometimes, why do we go out of our way to keep someone alive when there is no prospect of "living" besides being a walking or bedding inanimate organism that is but a pale shadow of what he or she was in life....
Sorry to be so gloomy this morning... been under the weather here for a while.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Rhat can be toygh. My father in law is of similar age. Had he not smoked- still does-he would still br gping strong. Great mental faculties, but his lings and body are really getting to him. Like turning a fan off and the blades are spinning and will eventually come to a stop
No matter how Cynical I become, I can never keep up.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Feb 2011
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I understand. My Mom spent 10 years in the process of dying. It wasn't pretty.
I hope your Dad can have a smooth landing.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Mar 2009
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Stickman Yogi
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Stickman Yogi
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Quote:
Even though your dad wasn't a good dad, you are a credit to him in caring.
I like what Rich said here. Your caring will see you through this tough time.
Live to love, love to live.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Thanks everyone for your support and kind words. Jeff - I know it sounds harsh, but I agree with you. Medical science is now keeping many people alive long past their use-by-date. Their quality of life is zero and I wonder for who's benefit it really is? I see my Dad in that dementia unit and I would hate to end up there myself. So I don't think it is harsh at all. In fact I think it is merciful to let them go and cruel to keep them here just because the medicine can do that or because we feel guilty. Personally I have promised myself that when I see the onset of dementia in myself I will take my curtain call (I don't believe suicide is an unforgivable sin) while I still have some wits. How to tell I'm getting dementia could be tricky - hesitate too long and you'll forget what you planned to do. Do it too soon and you could mistake normal old age forgetfulness for something worse. One method would be to set up a loaded rifle aimed at head height behind a locked door in a spare room with the trigger rigged to the door handle. Put a sign on the outside of the door "Do you remember why you must not open this door?"  Or simply take an alzheimers quiz each year and chart the results so you can pinpoint the decline. The trouble is you need the courage to follow through while you still have your wits. The former idea doesn't require the courage of the latter.
Last edited by foglefar; 04/13/2013 1:02 AM.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Mar 2009
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Stickman Yogi
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Stickman Yogi
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Quote:
How to tell I'm getting dementia could be tricky...
One method would be to set up a loaded rifle aimed at head height behind a locked door in a spare room with the trigger rigged to the door handle. Put a sign on the outside of the door "Do you remember why you must not open this door?"
Or simply take an alzheimers quiz each year and chart the results so you can pinpoint the decline. The trouble is you need the courage to follow through while you still have your wits. The former idea doesn't require the courage of the latter.
Somehow, this makes sense. Too funny!!! 
Live to love, love to live.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Loquacious
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It would be an exit with a certain sense of style IMO Richard  Good to see you have your humour intact. 
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Sep 2009
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Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
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We are indeed on the same page! I might steal that idea of yours... the sign on the door... I'm hoping to get to Australia within the next couple of years. Hope we can share a brew and some stories! In the mean time... live like there's no tomorrow!
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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I'm thinking seductive voice after the door opens inviting one in and some gas being released after the door closes ever so quietly so as not to startle. It bet we could make a killing so to speak building these custom closets for people.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Quote:
We are indeed on the same page!
I might steal that idea of yours... the sign on the door...
I'm hoping to get to Australia within the next couple of years. Hope we can share a brew and some stories!
In the mean time... live like there's no tomorrow!
The beer sounds like a good plan. If that fat little dictator up near you doesn't back down there may well be no tomorrow.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Quote:
I'm thinking seductive voice after the door opens inviting one in and some gas being released after the door closes ever so quietly so as not to startle. It bet we could make a killing so to speak building these custom closets for people.
The slogan: it's OK to have skeletons in your closet.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Update ... The olde b@stard came through the surgery with flying colors. The surgeon remarked at his amazing muscle tone. I didn't think he had any muscles - he's a walking skeleton. Come to think of it, maybe this is how the Walking Dead begins! My dad the zombie. Tell the doctor they have to go for the head shot, anything else and they keep getting up again.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Worn Saddle
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Worn Saddle
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Quote:
Update ...
The olde [Email]b@stard[/Email] came through the surgery with flying colors. The surgeon remarked at his amazing muscle tone. I didn't think he had any muscles - he's a walking skeleton.
Come to think of it, maybe this is how the Walking Dead begins! My dad the zombie. Tell the doctor they have to go for the head shot, anything else and they keep getting up again.
Humor is what gets us through the tough times, sometimes.
Fidelis et Fortis
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Good news on your Dad, Richard...I think.
I had to smile at your comment about God sharing your Humor, I have always heard..."If you want to hear God laugh, just tell him your plan."
Ride like you mean it.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Sorry to hear about your dad Richard. I was in the identical position you are same time last year only with my mum. Had a fall. Broke her hip. Final stage dementia. The only reason they even operate now is to stabilize the fracture which really helps the medical staff when it comes to to handling the patients. The sad thing is that in most cases, final stage dementia patients are unable to receive any form of quality rehab because of their condition. My heart goes out to your dad, you & your family. Its hard to see aged relatives receiving care for a symptom they would rather have slipped quietly away with but hats off to the nursing staff who front up each day to look after our aged folks knowing too well\l that care and comfort is all they can really offer.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Loquacious
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"Always look on the bright side of life" [Monty Python]  I have to go to Sweden in June for a couple of weeks to see a guy who has dementia.I've been told it's not 100% yet. He and his wife were like second parents to me when I was in Scandinavia. I'm dreading it, but I owe it to him and his family.
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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John - thanks mate. I heartily agree, the nursing staff do a tremendous job, one that I couldn't do.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Paul - great song, funny movie.
I know what you mean by the 'dread'. But it's probably not as bad as you imagine, and if he's not 100% he may just be easily confused, or struggle with vocabulary as my Dad was for many years. Quite easy to be with really. But either way I'm sure the trip will benefit everyone involved - that's why you're going of course.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Loquacious
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Yeah,you're probably right,it's just I remember him on top of his game. I've booked and paid for the trip so it's a done deal anyway.It wont be too bad[I hope] For instance,his daughter says he'll ask her how she is every 5 minutes when she visits. 
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Joined: Jan 2007
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Loquacious
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Loquacious
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Quote:
I have to go to Sweden in June for a couple of weeks to see a guy who has dementia.I've been told it's not 100% yet.
He and his wife were like second parents to me when I was in Scandinavia.
I'm dreading it, but I owe it to him and his family.
Keep "sundowning" in mind when you time your visit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sundowning
Morning/early afternoon visits make a big difference in the person's coherence during he early stages. Best of luck.
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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Thanks for that Steve. It'll be around midsummer when there's not much night at all.As opposed to Nov.Dec.when it's dark most of the time.It may work in my favour. apologies for getting off the topic Richard.
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: 89 - not out - yet
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No problem.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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UPDATE - 89 - all out
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My dad passed away peacefully last Thursday evening. I just made it to NZ in time to join the rest of our family at his bedside and to pray for him in his last hour. So it worked out well all things considered.
Thanks to all for your kind wishes thoughts and prayers. The funeral was yesterday and I'm staying on a couple of days to keep my mum company before returning home to OZ.
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Loquacious
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My condolences Richard.I wish you all the best.
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Our condolences are also extended at this time.
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Joined: Aug 2009
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Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
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Sorry for your loss, thoughts and prayers.
'04' Black America
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
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With full on dementia it is for the best, I am still sorry for your loss and it is never easy to lose a loved one.
I learned all I need to know about life by killing smart people and eating their brains.
Eat right ,Exercise ,Stay fit, Die Anyway!
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
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Sorry for your loss, Richard
Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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You and your family are in my thoughts, Richard. Sorry for your loss.
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Loquacious
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Sorry for your loss. Good that you were able to be there for him and your mom. I'm sure you were a comfort.
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Re: UPDATE - 89 - all out
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Thanks again everyone. I am doing good and it's a new chapter. Moving on ...
Cheers, Richard
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09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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