Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Tales of Townsend

I've had some interest from a few folks in the Tales of Townsend I included on the pipe smokers thread,so I thought I'd share another one with youi all.
I hope those of who who've led blameless lives wont be too offended by the fact that I haven't...though I claim to have grown up a bit(not too much though)
All the tales are published in my club magazine and most but not all directly concern motorcycles ..and all concern motorcylists at any rate.

Anyhow...heres the one from the current edition...if you enjoy it let me know..if you dont,well dont worry you're probably not alone.

Al

Get His Number, Larry…..

It was a dark and stormy night…….
Ok then, it wasn’t, but it was a dark night and pretty foggy.
That being the case this evening was clearly ideal for a game of ‘Anti-Chicken’
‘Anti-Chicken’? Ah, so you were paying attention after all…ok.. I’ll explain.
Round about this time I was living in a flat on Dartford Heath, splendid little hovel, I’d moved into when London had become untenable for reasons which need not concern us further at this stage of the proceedings.
Larry was recently out of the army and consequently bored. Me, I was just bored and both of us welcomed the opportunity afforded to a couple of ner-do-well’s by a thick blanket of fog.
Ant-Chicken was one of our favourites in the fog. Here’s how it worked.
There was( and still is) a charming stretch of road between Dartford and the Farningham roundabout ,via Sutton-at Hone….about 4-5 miles in total with plenty of places where a couple of chaps could lurk( awfully good at lurking, we were) awaiting an unsuspecting motorist.
So we lurked-only with slight modification from the standard format beloved of footpads and highwaymen since time immemorial.
One flip of the coin decided it . Tonight it was Larry’s turn to be passenger whilst I sat astride the mighty Beeza. Larry, for his part simply sat facing rearwards and awaiting the onset of Joe Public.
Those who’ve ever tried this stunt will need to be aware that your angle of leverage is suddenly reversed by the foot pegs meaning you take on a tilt towards the ground-most disconcerting till you’re used to it, though somewhat safer with a cissy bar to catch the careless. We had said cissy bar and, as The Game demanded, we had taped a cycle headlamp between the arms of this facing to the rear.
Soon the dim lights of a car appeared going, of course far too fast for the prevailing gloom.
Perfect. Lights off on the Beeza, on with the cycle lamp and snick into gear….don’t rev the bike- ideally you don’t want him to know you’re there at all-yet.
So we slipped in about 400 yards behind.
Next bit was usually the payoff……rapidly accelerating past the hapless punter, I put the bars over sharpish till we were dead ahead of him at about 3 feet distance. Simultaneously Larry gave his finest grimace and crossed his arms over his face and, hey presto, punter gets a grandstand view of what he instantly believes to be an impending head on with a motorcycle.
Ho Ho Ho…….you could have heard our laughter above the screech of brakes as the car slewed into the side of the road , usually followed by erstwhile punter shuffling back down the road looking for the mangled remains.
Only this evening we’d been sussed. Not by Joe public who gratifyingly carried out his end of the pantomime to perfection. However as we pobbled off grinning towards the Rising Sun pub we saw we were being followed by an Automobile Association mini-van(remember those?).
So we took the roundabout at Swanley at a rate of knots calculated to dissuade the meek from following, though follow he did.
So we went round again
And again
And again
And once more for luck.
Nope, he was still there – clearly time to park up and engage in meaningful dialogue with the guy.
So I popped the bike onto the middle of said roundabout and sure enough our chap got out, all ex army moustaches and righteous indignation.
He’d just had time to get into full flow about the state of young people today and how we hadn’t had to fight in 4 world wars or something when I got bored again.
Whilst we were attempting get back on the bike the silly man Laid Hands Upon The Bike, with a sort of ‘Oh no you don’t –wait till the police get here/your father gets home’ sort of dynamic.
Frankly I consider, even now, that I was unduly patient with him and was prepared to give him one last chance to bog off-after all he was only doing what he thought best.
Seeing the moustaches and general NCO demeanour I turned to Larry.
‘Number Two’ I offered in my best ex public school drawl ‘Take this man’s number’
This had an electric effect for two reasons.
One ,said chappie suddenly, and probably habitually, straightened up, came to attention ,thumbs on trouser seams in best NCO format.
But it was number two which really placed the poisoners amongst the pigeons (Tom Lehrer-if this allusion escapes you).
From somewhere out of sight, though near at hand, there came a crunching noise of squealing then breaking metal, followed by the re-appearance of Larry, playing his part to Oscar winning perfection.
‘There you are, Sir. Anything else?’ He said, handing me the rear number plate from the mini-van which I, for my part, proffered to the, by now thoroughly bemused, AA man before us.
He looked at the number plate, then at Larry. Turning smartly on his heel, he slipped the plate under his left arm and marched swiftly back to the van, shutting the door and driving off rapidly into the night.

‘You know’, said Larry thoughtfully half way through our third pint ‘I think, on the whole, that one was worth double points’


Al

Great novella of an episode of youthful indiscretion, I enjoyed reading it immensely and your gambit of rank and position, sheer genius.

Thanks for your kind feedback-much appreciated,though you would seem to be in a minority of 1!

Al

A very funny tale well told and I envisioned the whole thing as a Young Ones episode. You've had 80 readers in 5 hrs. I think the title is a bit obscure - I didn't bother reading the thread until I had read everything else and only boredom drove me to open the thread. Glad I did though. Others maybe might find your wit a bit too intimidating to post a comment.

Like it, made me grin anyway! Post some more.

Neat story! Much more esoteric than my teenage pranks.

I liked it too, and thought it very well written, Alan!

(...and so, add me to that "minority")

Outstanding story! Post more.

I thought it was gonna be about Pete Townsend

Funny though, the parts I could understand that is.
Uncle Charlie

Good yarn Alan, liked it.

Unless FJ or the mods complain, leave it in the forum.

I enjoyed reading it, but I wasn't going to comment, so here's a round of applause

I suggest you go by the number of veiws rather than replies

That was pretty funny. Enjoyed it myself.