Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge An ethical question?

Well, a friend of mine is having a memorial service for her recently deceased father. I never knew her father or mother, but I am friends with her and she made a point of sending me an invite (albeit an informal invite).
I am not good with these things because I never know how to act or what to say. As some of you know, I am kind of a coarse person with some lack in the social graces.
I don't know if this is an ethical question or not, but I am not sure how to frame it. Bottom line do I go or not?
I like her and want to be a good friend, but feel like I would be doing her a better by not going. As I said I am never good at these things so I don't know what to do.

I would talk to her and explain to her what you did here but also offer to be there to support her if that is what she wishes.

It's no big deal, just go.

I would go, be a friend and be there for her. When in Rome,do what the Romans do, just don't act to out of line and everything will be all right. You can give her our(my) condolence too.

I think I know how Chad feels, believe it or not I'm a little rough around the edges too. I am uncomfortable at these kind of things too. Unless it's a biker thing because then we are all rough. I have gone for support of the living when I felt it needed but even with people I know I would rather remember them as they were in life not death. I do go for them being planted though.

friends are their no matteer what,in my book anyhow...sorry to say but i think she will really appreciate you going,and you should be there for her as she would for you,,,just sayin

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."-Yogi Berra

All kidding aside, Chad...I say go and be there for your friend.

(...and besides, over the course of these last few months around here, I think we've knocked off enough of those rough edges and polished up that act of yours enough that you should be able to handle yourself with aplomb in almost any given situation nowadays, right?!)

Go for her sake, Man Up, its not for your benifit. She wants you to go and be there for her. Imagine if no one turned up. Everyone feels uncomfortable at these things, just don't do a speach or anything. Just be there.

I have never met you in person but I have seen the things that you write here. You have my respect and I am sure you have hers or she would not have invited you.

You gotta go.

The purpose of attending funerals and memorial services is to offer support to the berieved.

What they said. You gotta go.

Go.

Sometimes standing next to a friend as an act of support takes away the need to say anything .
And if she leans on you and has a weep ... well it is her father and she has a right to feel sad.

I am also known to be a bit crass at times. In the last few years I have had to attend many funerals (guess that happens as we get older). I really don't like the idea of it but heres the thing. Its not about you, its about supporting your friend. Dress nice, think about whats going to come out of your mouth before you say anything and if you don't know what to say then say so and be done with the words. A hug goes a long way.

You'll be fine, its not about you in that moment.

Good Luck!

Dress up, go, keep your mouth shut. Funerals are for the living. The dead don't care anymore.

People around me die, a lot. I have funerals on a regular basis. It is unbelievable how eclectic the crowd usually is, doctors, judges, cops, bikers, and sometimes a mourner in shackles with deputies. Everybody will appreciate that you showed up especially your freind. Go, tell her that your heart is breaking for her and that you are there for her.

If you value your friendship you should go.

Go.....and just listen.

Agree on all said here. Being there shows support, you don't need to say anything.

Thanks guys. I am going dressed nice beard combed, solemn in silence, and a strong shoulder if need be to lean on.

I can't go on avoiding these things anyway, so I'll man up and go.

Good choice to go and support your friend, that's what friends do- right?

If you're nervous due to you own admitted lack of social grace, I would recommend picking up a copy and reading 'How to win friends and influence people' by Dale Carnegie. You could knock it out in an evening.

Cheers.

Best course of action ,I think, Chad.

Glad you made the right choice there Chad. Even if it was before I got to tell you that it's not about you, it's about your friend and if you are one you'll suck it up and go and you won't be an arse even if it means that you keep your pie-hole shut when you'd rather say something inappropriate and the only thing you do say is "I'm here for you".

But now I don't get to tell you that

Nobody wants an empty room....

Good for you, Chad!

(...Yogi would be proud of ya!)

Life is for the living and funerals are as much for the survivors as the deceased. If she asked you go. You don't have to speak unless spoken to, smile when you make eye contact with anyone and remember that a simple hug goes a lot further than awkward words.

You will become a better man for going. And a closer friend to your friend.

As for your claim that you're a "coarse person lacking in social graces", she obviously doesn't feel that way!

My condolences to your friend and her family.

Go.

besides there is always food and beer at the wake good choice you made, you will be fine. just remember she wanted you there for some reason.

You leave for a couple of days and I miss out. Everyone here is right. Go, sit in the back if you're uncomfortable, and the end of the service give her your condolences and a hug.
If there is a reception...eat.
or skidaddle both are acceptable, she just wants to know you were there. She wouldn't have mentioned it if they didn't want you there.

Believe me, I see it everyday.

Go , its your friend

+1 on going and supporting. Your friend deserves it.

Good on ya for going Chad. None of us like that duty, but I suppose it's part of life. It's usually a matter of something like "I'm sorry for your loss" & "call me if I can do anything to help" are plenty in the way of what do I say? There isn't much more anyone can say, and like others have posted even though those in mourning may have heard the one or two sentences 100 times before you said them, it's about being there that matters.

A little off topic story I learned the hard way. My wife's mother's sister's wake was held on a day when it was 100 in the shade with around 90% humidity. I figured what harm in wearing a clean pair of dress shorts? A few other attendees also wore shorts. Mother in law, in her mid 70s, felt deeply disrespected by the shorts folk. My ignorance cost her some hard feelings. Oops. I've been coat & tie & pants to funerals guy ever since. I'm not suggesting you're going to wear shorts, I'm just yappin about it.

WEll, guys I was there. I wore a nice button up shirt, jeans (I didn't want anyone to think I was being phonie) and my boots. I talked to Denise a little told her we love her and hugged her, and left after the service. I didn't stay for the "fellowship" afterward.
I learned alot about a man I never knew. He was a Navy man from a large family (8 brothers and sisters). He had 2 daughters and was married only once. He died married to that same woman. He liked to fish alot and was a man of faith. His faith gave his family a lot of comfort.
They said he was a mild mannered kind person who always smiled, and comforted others. Even during the hieght of his cancer.
I almost wish I knew him.