Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge A human story

A human story...

I'm a musician. I am actively forming a performing band and could use another member... a guitar player who can sing. I have a few notices up here and there. Okay... well a couple o' weeks ago I get a call from a gal who says she can play and sing and that she's working on her Masters. "Can we meet?" she asks. "WOW!" I say "yes" and we arrange a time and day. When the day arrives she phones and asks to reschedule. "Okay." This time we arrange for me to pick her up (she has no transportation). It's a small town... I don't mind. What happens? No show. Bear with me, it get's interesting.

A couple o' days after the no show I get a knock on my door at around 9:00. It's her! This is the first time we meet. I ask her inside for a chat. Well, she proceeds to tell me she's an alcoholic, was on a binge drunk (that certainly explains things). We continue to talk... I switch to music. From her responses to music theory concepts I was throwing out I sense she's the real deal as a musician. She can't stay long so we arrange to get together in a couple o' days." People... I am a soft hearted person and I figure hey, she's been honest and shown courage to a perfect stranger... she talked about getting into rehab. I agree to another shot at it. That was today. I went to pick her up as arranged... no show! I go home and about an hour later get a call... it's her. She wants to walk up to audition. I agree. She arrives. She's been drinking (but not drunk). I explain I can't tolerate no-shows or drinking. I say we'll have to do this another day.

I care about this person. She's my daughter's age (30)...in other words, she could be my kid. She's got a problem. She's smart... probably a fantastic musician (if indeed she is working on her Masters). But such potential. There is a PERSON behind that problem. I agree to meet with her tomorrow for coffee. I have a really hard time turning away on this one. No need to lecture me... I've been around, and know ya can't save another person. Only she can save herself. But what if... what if just having someone there who cares, someone she can trust, someone who helps her help herself, helps? What it that makes a difference? What if?

Thanks for listening... this one's really hit me in the ol' heart chakra!

Keith,

most people these days would just pass some debilitating comment about her and walk away without a second thought.

The fact that you care enough to take the extra step with a complete stranger shows the quality of your heart and makes up for all the other dweebs we sometimes meet in our lives and make us wonder if mankind is about to be extinct!

Good luck with this, don't get your hopes up so you don't feel let down later if it doesn't turn out to be what you expect, ... but having someone who cares can sometimes turn a life around...

Sounds like you should forget her for now as a band member. She has already proven undependable. If you choose to try and offer her support I commend that but business is business and the place you book a gig doesn't want to hear your guitarist/singer didn't show....again. Next thing you know, no more bookings. When I was younger and still drinking heavy many people tried to help and I was even court ordered into re-hab. I didn't quit until I wanted to and then did that myself. That is how that works, all the support in the world won't cure her, she has to want it and I mean really want it. She also has to have the will power to do it.

I agree with The_Dog, she is the one that's has to want to get better,just you being there giving her a reason to get better might help her!!! I wouldn't rely on her her as a band member yet,maybe a "guest" appearance if/when she isn't "down". Have you heard her perform yet?

Nothing wrong with trying to help somebody.

My only comment, as I'm sure you already know, is that you're surely not the first person who's tried to help her. She seems to be a decent person, so she's likely come from decent family - probably a devoted boyfriend or two along the way, too. All have failed.

Of course, chances are that someday she might come around, and maybe now is the time. If you have the heart for it, give her what you can, but don't mistake the odds you are up against.

And +1 on keeping business and personal stuff separate...

For sure she's not eligible to join the band... she's just too messed up for that at least for now. She is a decent person, that much I can tell. And as Ian put it... she has to REALLY want to quit drinking AND have the will power to do it. When I drove her home last night after the botched audition she was fighting back the tears and frankly, so was I. It just kills me to see such a young, gifted person waste away on booze (or anything else for that matter). She just got her guitar outta the pawn shop... her amp is still there. She needed the money to drink. Wow!! I'm thinking I'll be her friend... maybe a little 'tough love' will make a difference.

Maybe, just maybe, because she realizes that someone gives a darn, that she'll get herself into rehab and decide to turn things around.

Good points.

Keith, bless you for caring but be careful; a co-dependent relationship could develop real easily here. Do a little research on what this means. Even if you're familiar with the term the details are important.

She DOES have to want to quit, but will power isn't the way. She's an alcoholic, that is, an addict. And she knows it, her talk of rehab shows that. She needs support and the best place for her to get it is Alcoholics Anonymous.
You being a musician (jus' sayin' ) probably know some recovering addicts: Alcoholics or other . If not, ask around; you'll be surprised. Get her to AA.

Again, God bless you for caring, and keep us posted.

Sounds like I wanna hang out with this chick before she sobers up!

Keith, you're a saint

There's been plenty advice posted by others, I particually liked Steven's idea of guest apperances as it would give her something to aim for, with a quick reward for being "good", when she's been "naughty" you don't actually take anything away to cause resentment

My only advice is NEVER lend her any money, no matter what the excuse

So can she play/sing?

Her level of talent & effort would dictate my level of concern.

Just Sayin'.

Wow, Keith. You have a big heart. I like your philosophy but be careful not to get too attached. Your a big boy and know that but you and your feelings are number 1. I commend you for reaching out and being willing to give of yourself to someone you really don't know. What a great community service so to speak.

Bill , every person is different. Re-hab did nothing for me I didn't quit until much later when I was ready and then there was no re-hab and no AA and never was. There also was no support as I burned all my bridges since I was a violent drunk. I beat a friend very badly one night and didn't remember doing it,I didn't even remember being with anyone that night and when I saw what I had done I quit right then and there. Didn't touch a drop for 23 years. I was an all day every day drinker too for years. I also come from an alcoholic prone family on both sides. many in my family have struggled with it most beat it again with no AA or re-hab. I now drink a beer at night on some nights. Started again about a year or so ago. Difference is now I stop at one and only one and a case lasts anywhere from a month to 3 months and when I drink I normally have one with Wendy when watching TV after dinner so I only drink about 1/2 of the case over a month or so.If I ever find myself wanting another (I have had 2 on a rare occasion)I will stop 100% again. I didn't miss drinking but I did miss the taste of dark beers so now I have one and it is only for the taste where it used to be to get drunk.

It's true that everyone is different and it's a rare person who does it without support, I commend you for that. Serious regret over behavior can help people change as you did.

But for most AA, or NA or GA or any of the twelve step programs are quite effective IF the person wants to change their behavior.

Without a support system most will fall back into old behaviors. That's the nature of addiction.

I've met and known MANY addicts over the years (it's part of my faith walk), so I'm not talking through my hat here.

I agree 100% I was not saying re-hab or AA or any of the others are useless but more stressing the "WANT TO" part of it. Anyone who is ruled by alcohol can use what ever help they can get if they want it, if not then it is a lost cause until that changes.

I REALLY appreciate everyone's support in this thread. I've read and re-read your comments and take it all to heart. I honestly don't know why this particular person has become so important, so quickly. She just has. Thank you one and all for your heartfelt, caring thoughts.

Okay... today she made it up to my place. She was a little late but just a little, was sober and in pretty good spirits. We talked, laughed (she has a good sense of humour) and played music. I heard her sing and play (she's pretty good) and she heard me. After about 3 hours I drove her home and when she left the Jeep, she had a spring in her step I hadn't seen before. I pray she doesn't drink tonight because tomorrow after I get home from work, she's invited to drop by again.

I caution myself not to be overly optimistic. And I caution myself not to get attached to any particular outcome. It's hard. But I think now (in spite of my tough love approach the other days) she knows she has a friend. You see, she just moved here (I think she burnt a bridge or two in Nelson where she was living) and doesn't know anyone. But I can tell you this... she LOVES music and shares one of my philosophies which is to not sing anything with negative lyrics. YES!!!!!

If ya keep your thoughts and ideas coming on this one I will continue to appreciate it. You guys are awesome!!

Ian, please be very careful about your beer every now and then. With your background you could fall into old habits again. You sound like you have it all under control now and I don't doubt you are strong enough to handle one beer every day. But we all are human and can slip, so be careful. We care about each other around here.

Thank you for your concern but if it had become and every day habbit again I would quit again. I haven't had one in a couple weeks and at most I had one 2 or 3 nights of the week sitting down to watch a movie with Wendy. I am smart and have a non-addictive personality. I quit drinking and smoking at the same time. I am ultra aware of how I used to be. I have Newcastle Brown Ale in the fridge right now but haven't felt like drinking one in a couple weeks. I also don't get an urge for more when I have the one now and then. I wasn't being smart when I thanked you for your concern either, I understand the possible trouble it could cause me were I to let it take over again and also know the ramifications. I remember all too well waking up in jail not knowing how I got there then finding I have pending assault charges, some assaulting an officer more often than not. I was so bad they all knew me and even years later I walked in a police station to get keys to a car I was supposed to tow away and the one office turned around and said that he remembered me and I was trouble! I hadn't been in any trouble for years but he remembered me. No need to be worried about me but nice to you care.

Well Keith , professionally , you may have to excersize "tough love" because of your fair policies of drinking and attendance , but don't ever give up on her personally . There's a hurt little girl down inside that desperately needs a stable one to hold onto her .

I know Wade, thank you for that reminder. I'm treating this one with kid-gloves... that is to say with as much sensitivity as I can muster. She has my utmost respect!

Paula... all VERY good points and suggestions. Thank you so much for chiming in on this one. I've spent more time with her and here's what I can say...

- She's VERY talented musically. A great singer... an up and coming guitar player and her understanding of theory is top shelf.
- She's committed to rehab. I'll drive her there (6 hours away) and pick her up after one month. She tried it before and lasted 10 days. She's up to round 2.
- She's a wonderful person. Great sense of humour, etc.
- She's an above average song writer.
- She's worth every drop of perspiration anyone spends on her. She's a talented, gifted contribution to life in general.

We are teaming up to do a few 'Open mic' nights in and around the area before she goes to rehab (about a month away). I am thrilled to be working with her musically as well as helping her help herself. And again everyone... thank you for your contribution to this topic. I means a great deal!!

Glad to hear things are working out!!!
One step at a time.

Wow, this is a darn interesting developing story. (I'm late, also.) You're to be commended, Keith. Have plenty of alcohal impaired relatives on my side. Some have totally wasted their potential and spiraled down, Gawd that is hard to watch. I think that my oldest son, who got shot in a gangsta tavern brawl last week, is probably a closet addict. I wish you the absolute best of luck, Keith! I hope you're her "angel". And it sounds like you're mature enough to handle the repercussions if it goes badly. Peace.