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This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.




Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their d*m project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their d*m project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their d*m skills, their d*m resourcefulness, their d*m ingenuity, their d*m persistence, their d*m determination and/or their d*m work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a d*m permit prior to the start of this type of d*m activity.

My first d*m question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said d*m request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver d*m permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a d*m violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns: My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a d*m lawyer. The Department's d*m concern that either one or both of the d*ms failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their d*m names. If you want the stream "restored" to a d*m free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your d*m letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized d*ms as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more d*m rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' D*ms).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this d*m case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the d*m ice then, and there will be no ways for you or your d*m staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver d*m, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!). Being unable to comply with your d*m request, and being unable to contact you on your d*m answering machine, I am sending this response to your d*m office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE D*M BEAVERS

D*m, that's funny!

Where is the response letter from the EPA back to the beavers.

Thanks Tom,

I had a guy (from the west end) call me the other day looking for ideas to "control" nonpermitted ****** building on his property, not to mention unauthorized tree removal.

I described a stand pipe system I've heard about that lowers the pond level, thereby frustrating & irritating the beaver.

Now I am concerned that references to "harvest" may have violated the furry engineer's civil rights, and I'll be the one retaining legal representation

.......and when d*m has 3 letters, why does the software program replace it with 6 asteriks

jh

Quote:

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.......and when d*m has 3 letters, why does the software program replace it with 6 asteriks

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****** if I know.

Tom, that was definitely worth the read. Thanks for posting!!

Next thing will be the Health and Safety people threatening the d*m beavers for not having the correct PPE, hard hat, gloves, steel toed boots and Hi-Vis and for failing to do a proper risk assessment

It's a good thing the d*m software didn't asterisk out defecating, because then there wouldn't be enough asterisks.

Thanks for the good laugh. Very funny, Tom.

Excellent!

Thanks for posting.

I think the software program may be confusing d*m with d*mn. Two entirely different words.

ahhh yes.. Michigan.... no wonder everyon is leaving.... lol. nice.

Well 'dang' will always have a place in history!!

"Caucasian ebonics"!!!

Good one, moe!!!

(however, NOW I have to "ax" ya if ya think there's anything the powers-that-be around here can do about gettin' rid of that darn ol' superfluous-U!!!)