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DEATH OF THE OLD COW
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving." So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy . Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy . The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy . "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

ha ha thats great.

Just trying to sneak it in here anyway you can, eh?

Me an the wife had a few drinks into the early hours one late night.. we went to bed on a cold dark very rainy, ****** of a night..

After only an hour or so of dosing in and out of sleep.. BANG! BANG! on the front door, we live way out in the hills. So I was none too pleased to get out of bed in me drunken haze to find paddy, pi**ed as a f**t soakin wet asking for a push.

After a few chioce words I slammed the door in his kisser and stormed up to bed.

The light of my life then demands to know who the ****** was at the door at this un-godly hour.

After explaining to her it was paddy wanting a push in the pi**ng rain. She turns all nasty on me and says well you cant leave him out there in the rain you'll have to go and give him a push to get him started..

So now in a great mood I have to get dressed in all me fishing gear so I don't get soaked.

Get to the front door looking out into a real belter of a storm and shout "paddy where are you"
To which the drunken git replies "I'm over here on the swing" The Ba*t**d

My Lord

""I'm over here on the swing" The Ba*t**d" Took me a long time to get this one......Was almost going to ask for a translation.... Ride safe.

Guy comes home in a better than usual mood and says to his wife, "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies, "I'd take half and leave you!"

He ponders this for a moment and then replies, "Well, I won $12...here's $6, now get the f**k out!"

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.............

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!! Too True.

Good one Bill!!!

The Perfect Password:

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need
to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use
each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N...I...S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED.... NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Well Keith, What about this one then?

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.



The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.



He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.



The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,



she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.



The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.



At the register, the pharmacist told her,



"If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.



If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure sh e'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh!t

An elephant got a splinter in its foot. It hurt really badly and the elephant couldn't get it out. The elephant saw an ant passing by and he asked the ant to take the splinter out of its foot. The ant replied: "Sure, as long as I get to do what I want to do".

The elephant asked: "Well... what do you want to do?"

The ant replied: "I want to bang you up your yin yang"

The elephant thought for a while and weighed his options. It was a really small ant and the splinter really hurt. He thought about it and agreed to ant's conditions.

The ant took the splinter out of the elephant's foot, ran around the back, climbed up the elephant's leg, moved the tail out of the way and started humping.

A monkey was sitting on top of the tree and it saw this really tiny ant humping this really big elephant up the yin yang. The sight was so funny, it started laughing hysterically. It flailed its arms and accidentally knocked a coconut from the tree. The coconut fell on the elephant's head and the elephant said: "Ouch".

The ant replied: "YEAH! TAKE IT ALL, B!TCH!!!"

This small dude winds up in prison and on his first day there, he's approached by this huge, burly Russian guy.

The Russian guy says: "Viz vaseline or vizout?"

The new guy drops a load and asks: "Wwwwhhaaat??"

The Russian guy replies: "You know vat, do not play stupid viz me! Viz vaseline or vizout??"

The guy thinks for a while, weighs his options and says: "Ok, with vaseline"

The Russian guys gleams and says: "Good choice!", as he turns behind him and yells out: "Hey Vaselin, come over here!"

Once there were two alligators swimming together. One of them was nearly twice as big as the other.
The smaller said to the bigger one George, "How did you get so much bigger than me? I was hatched from the same clutch of eggs as you were and nearly the same time." Then George asked his smaller brother, "what do you eat?" He said "the same thing as you.... polititions". "Humm.." said George, "where do you eat them from?" The smaller one replied "same as you at the capital building parking lot." Then george said "well how do you eat them them?" The small one said "well I lay under a car and when he come out I grab him by the leg and shake the sh^t out of him then eat him." Oh George said "thats the problem, after you shake the sh^t out of a politician the only thing left is an a$$ hole and a brief case."

the Lone Ranger and Tonto are out scouting around and after some time, Tonto gets down from his horse puts his ear to the ground to listen. the Lone Ranger sez what is it Tonto, to which Tonto replies Buffalo come, the Lone Ranger sez how do you know that?? Tonto points to his ear and sez STICKY

ok how bout this one??
Russian walking down the street on his way home from work when he see'z this bottle laying in the gutter, well being in a foul mood, he kicks it and low and behold there is a cloud of smoke and a genie appears. genis sez you have released me from my prison so i grant you one wish. the russian thinks about it for a minute and sez ok genie you turn my urine to wadka, genis sez done and with a clap of his hands and a puff of smoke he is gone. the russian finishes his walk home and when he gets there he takes a glass out of the cupboard and fills it with his urine, lifts it to his nose and sez um it smells like the wadka, it is clear like the wadka, i will taste, when he does he hollers for his wife to come here quick, when she comes to the kitchen he tells her the story and sez it is the best wadka he has ever tasted, she decides to take a taste and agrees this is the best wadka ever. so every night he races home from work gets 2 glasses from the cupboard fills them
and they enjoy the wadka untill they pass out. friday night finally arrives and when he gets home he gets one glass down fills it up and the wife ask but dear where is the wadka for me?? he drops his britches, sits down in his chair at the kitchen table and sez "TONIGHT MY DEAR, YOU DRINK FROM DE BOTTLE" that one always cracks me up

Irish Hunting Trip

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They Chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A tourist in Dublin hired an open horse drawn carriage to go see the sights. Along the way, he calls up to the driver, "Stop at this pub and I'll buy you a drink."
Of course, being a tourist, he bought A drink.
Back at the carriage, he said, "There Paddy, didn't that make a new man of you?"
Paddy answered, "Indade it did sorr, an' the new man is jist as tharsty as the auld 'un!"

I want to name my next dog stain so I can go out on my front porch and yell "COME STAIN....COME STAIN"

Wile we're on the topic of the Irish, this one came to me today.



How to get to Heaven from Ireland :


A teacher was testing children in her Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them,

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

By now she was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered "NO!".

She was just bursting with pride for them.

She continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

They're a curious race, the Irish.

A man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh1t!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

“Son of a ******” TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ******" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Turkey Recipe

I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient--imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

1 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (Orville Redenbacker's Low Fat is Best)
Salt/Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours, listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's a** blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room......it's done.

And you thought I didn't cook.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................'Grandpa, go home!'