Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge My friend the Farmer strikes again

A while ago my pal the farmer sent me a mail regarding his attempt at roping a deer.......now he sends this ...his tales of gardening....

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The fence hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand.

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap & pee, at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM! BAM! BAM! You just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. '******!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop & pee, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please Die ... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.


1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop & pee, when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sunnofabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon foulin or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.



The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

......that's very funny, reminds me of a high volt/low amp story

jh

Made me think of electronics class, we used to hook the 400V power supplies to the metal lab stools and zap people for a laugh.

just made me laugh my ****** off.

I enjoy the stories. They are well written and make me laugh while feeling sorry for the guy, all at the same time. I hope we get a third story soon.

Very funny. sounds like the guy that bought his wife the tazer and thought, what the heck...

mike

.....which reminds me when I was at Utah State in Logan about 25 years ago conducting range (don't ask) sheep research. I had a little flock of ewes & lambs for mountain pasture nutrition work on Cedar Mountain outside of Cedar City.

Lesson #1. I'd purchased 900' of portable electric fence, charged with a deep cycle marine battery, to keep the sheep in on the mountain. Before leaving Logan for the high country I wisely thought I better do a dry run and train the critters to respect the fence. I hooked everything up and let the ewes inside. Even though it was carrying s full charge (5,500-6,000v) the ewes brushed up against the twine with no effect. They were in full fleece (3-4 inches) and were pretty much self insulated. "Great, this is just great!". Then I remembered something my utility line foreman father once said about water and conductivity. So I located a garden hose and liberally soaked 'em down. Dripping wet, the first ewe approached the twine. When she was was about 6" away electricity arced from twine to nose completing the circuit. She let out a blaatt, reversed course and ran through the opposite side.

Lesson #2. Later that summer on Cedar mountain, a co-worker friend, let's call him Wayne Urey for anonymity purposes, was messing about. The charger would audibly snap every second when letting a charge through the system. Wayne got messin' with a key ring, touching the twine in between snaps, laughing and being a wise guy. I must have distracted him, because he touched the twine perfectly in time on the "snap". Next instant, Wayne is dancing a jig, throwing keys and hat on the ground and although a properly raised Utah church boy, uttering an inventive string of profanity.

I innocently suggested instead of keys, he might want to try peeing on it the next time. I never completed the connection myself Eric, so I'll take your friends word that it isn't a pleasant experience

jh

Good for a chuckle, thanks. Hey Dog, we used to run a cable over to the video room that people would always jack with. Until we hung a sign that said " Caution 10,000 ohms'.

Many years ago a friend of mine did pee on an electric fence while hunting. It had not been well marked and was hidden with overgrown grass. I did not witness the event but those who did still get tears of laughter when recounting it. The victim still sees no humor in it, which makes it even funnier to ask about. Some stories get better with age and this one has been growing for 35 years.

turning on the TV is killing me