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Joke day
#500601 09/05/2012 2:11 PM
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Here's and oldie but a goodie,

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."


It's not speeding till you get pulled over.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqa1s4jhkQ8
Re: Joke day
mikemm03 #500602 09/05/2012 8:40 PM
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Might be old, but it's new to me

Infact, I'm nicking it


Too old to die young, too ugly to leave a good looking corpse
Re: Joke day
brindle #500603 09/05/2012 8:41 PM
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A Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.


Too old to die young, too ugly to leave a good looking corpse
Re: Joke day
brindle #500604 09/05/2012 8:54 PM
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Tarzan no kick beaver for squirrel!!

Re: Joke day
brindle #500605 09/05/2012 9:12 PM
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Quote:

A Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.







Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
Re: Joke day
mikemm03 #500606 09/05/2012 11:11 PM
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Quote:

Here's and oldie but a goodie,

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."




That explains a lot of my discomfort.

Re: Joke day
Smokey3214 #500607 09/05/2012 11:29 PM
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Quote:

Quote:

Here's and oldie but a goodie,

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."




That explains a lot of my discomfort.




So Chet you got a thing for trees or did you get kicked in your Va jay jay?

Re: Joke day
Leithal #500608 09/06/2012 12:17 AM
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Frog Story


A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The
man looks around and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his
other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit, lucky frog, lucky frog." The man decided to take
the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole
in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of
the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the
frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what
do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit, $3000 black 6." Now,
this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game,
the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies,
"Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him
he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16
year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.


Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. H. L. Mencken
Re: Joke day
MACMC #500609 09/06/2012 1:04 PM
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A kid is walking down the stree with a roll of duct tape and walks past old man Jones' house.
Old man Jones says "What are ya doin with that duct tape?"
"I'm goin to catch me some ducks!"
"that's not how ya do it..."
"We'll see..."
A couple hours later, the kid walks back with a half dozen ducks tangled up in the tape, the old man's jaw dropped.
The next day he walks by old man Jones again with a roll of chicken wire.
"Where ya goin with that chicken wire?"
"Gonna catch me some chickens."
"Uh, that's now how it's done, son."
"We'll see..." said the little kid.
A few hours later, sure enough he walks by with a bunch of chickens, the old man scratching his head.
The next day, the kid walks by with a stick.
"Where ya goin with that stick?"
"It's not a stick, it's pussywillow"
"Hang on, I'll grab my hat."


Benny Black & Silver '02 Too many mods to list Not enough miles ridden
Re: Joke day
bennybmn #500610 09/06/2012 1:17 PM
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OK i will bite.

An asian couple is about to get married, she is very nervous and has never been with a man before, the husband to be has also never been with a women before but he does not want her to know about this so he goes about as though he has allot of experieince and stuff. After the wedding they retire to their honeymoon suite, they are both very quick, the lady slips into bed and he turns off the lights and slips in beside her. My darling he says, i luv you and i want to make you happy, tell me, what would you like me to do, anything at all, as though he has some experieince, finally she looks over at hime and in a quite voice says, well my husband i have heard other ladies talking about something i think i would like to try, anything he says, ok i want to try 69 she replies. The husband is quite and gives a bit of a pause before his response and then says, ok my wife but why you want spicey chicken with eggrolls now?


2007 Speedmaster and miss it! 2013 T-Bird Storm and Luvin it! Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 70 mph can double your vocabulary
Re: Joke day
edmspeedmaster #500611 09/06/2012 1:51 PM
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Speaking of comedy, here's one of the best.
Who's on first

Re: Joke day
Leithal #500612 09/06/2012 2:06 PM
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Its a bad one but made me laugh! It may be an oldie but I hadn't heard it before!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who Owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I
do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought
you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to
run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running
circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy
struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
(...I JUST LOVE THIS PART...)


(...This is Really pretty good...)


"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin".


I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
Re: Joke day
Garf #500613 09/06/2012 2:17 PM
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An elderly Jewish guy is walking along the beach. He finds a lamp. Rubs the lamp. Genie pops out and says, "I will give you one wish."

The elderly Jew takes a crumpled map of the Middle East from his pocket and says, "Genie, this is my homeland. For all the history of humanity, there has been warfare between the peoples who live there. My one wish is for a lasting peace in this region of the world."

The genie looks at the map and says, "I'm so sorry but I cannot grant that wish. It is just too hard. But I will grant you a different wish."

The man says, "I have been married for 40 years, and for 40 years my wife has never once given me a bj. My wish is that just once, she would perform this act for me."

Genie replies, "Can I see that map again?"

Re: Joke day
PersonalTriumph #500614 09/06/2012 7:56 PM
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Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake
early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in
the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish
while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"


Just an old Hippie and I don"t know what to do.
Re: Joke day
drgnslyr #500615 09/07/2012 12:25 PM
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Pat and Mike had a day off and decided to go fishing on the big lake. They rented a rowboat and found a spot where the big fish were biting.
Mike said, "I wish there was a way we could find this spot again, this is the best fishing I ever saw."
"No problem", said Pat, "I've got some chalk in me pocket, I'll make an X here on the side of the boat to mark the spot."
Mike said, "That'll never work, what are the chances we'd get the same boat?"


Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere in space 'cause it's buggar all down here. -- Monte Python
Re: Joke day
Greybeard #500616 09/08/2012 2:17 AM
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Really enjoying the jokes fellas. Thanks. Gotta try and remember them ... Squirrel, worms, lucky boats.


Cheers, Richard
~~~~~~~~~~~~
09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
Re: Joke day
foglefar #500617 09/08/2012 7:26 PM
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I just red a linked article on an advice column. The question asked by a young women was, "How do I tell my parents I'm a prostitute?"

The columnist answered, "Tell them you are a member of congress. Then tell them the truth, that you are actually a prostitute, they'll be relieved."


Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. H. L. Mencken
Re: Joke day
MACMC #500618 09/10/2012 9:21 PM
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Duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, 'Got any Grapes?", bartender replies, 'This is a bar, not a grocery store, so no we ain't got any f'n grapes" This repeats every day for about a week, when the bartender finally tells the duck that if he ever asks for grapes again he will nail the duck's feet to the f'n floor.

The next day the duck comes in and asks the bartender "Got any Nails?" Bartender replies "no, we ain't got any f'n nails" so the duck asks, "Well then, got any grapes?"....


ArGee 14 Thunderbird LT Wasn't sure if Red or Black was faster, so I got a Red & Black one...
Re: Joke day
ArGee #500619 09/10/2012 10:09 PM
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Re: Joke day
ArGee #500620 09/11/2012 12:31 AM
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Cheers, Richard
~~~~~~~~~~~~
09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
Re: Joke day
foglefar #500621 10/15/2012 4:12 AM
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A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship".

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat".

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft".

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"


I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
Re: Joke day
Garf #500622 10/15/2012 5:04 PM
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Good one Garf.


"Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary" Author unknown
Re: Joke day
Garf #500623 10/15/2012 5:41 PM
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Garf great joke, most of the ones you can actually tell your mother usually are.


Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. H. L. Mencken
Re: Joke day
MACMC #500624 10/15/2012 6:46 PM
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished
to see the bed
was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an
envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and, with
trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid scene
with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she
is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she
is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream
of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it
with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!



Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.



Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.



Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on the kitchen table.


Too old to die young, too ugly to leave a good looking corpse
Re: Joke day
brindle #500625 10/16/2012 6:50 AM
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A man is stranded on a deserted island with Adriana Lima.
(it's a joke, play along)
After a while, nature takes it's course, and they have sex.
One day Adriana asks, "Do you have any fantasies you want to act out?"
The guy thinks about it and says, "Can you put on my clothes?"
She's not sure where this is going, but complies.
He says, "Can you hold your hair across your lip like it's a moustache?"
Again, she does.
He says, "Can you pretend you're a guy from Cleveland named Joe?"
She says, "Hi, I'm Joe from Cleveland."
He says, "DUUUDE! I'm bangin' Adriana Lima!!!"


Steelheart- '03 Speedmaster Black/Yellow The Hayabusa Killa 16" Shorties/140 mains/Airbox drilled Procom CDI "There is no cure for Celibacy. But we can treat the symptoms."
Re: Joke day
BrianT #500626 10/16/2012 9:06 AM
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Blowing gravel off rural roads
Re: Joke day
moe #500627 10/16/2012 10:21 AM
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The most interesting man in the world says "My friend, I don't always drink beer but when it do I usually wake up with ugly fat women."


I try to aggravate one person a day. Today may be your day.
Re: Joke day
satxron #500628 10/16/2012 6:11 PM
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Quote:

The most interesting man in the world says "My friend, I don't always drink beer but when it do I usually wake up with ugly fat women."




Used to happen to me all the time, so to cure it, I got a divorce


Too old to die young, too ugly to leave a good looking corpse
Re: Joke day
brindle #500629 10/16/2012 6:24 PM
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Should be Riding
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Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
Re: Joke day
roadworthy #500630 10/16/2012 10:33 PM
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(...and orders two aspirins)


Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
Re: Joke day
Dwight #500631 10/17/2012 6:47 PM
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‎"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John to his friend Pete. "I've always thought of you as the perfect couple, that you'd be together forever.

Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad, can it?"

"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through a red light district last night when Claire said: "Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies, or whores
or whatever you call them."

And I said: 'It's Kelly, her name is Kelly.'"

John fell silent for a moment, and then said: "So who do you think will get to keep the house?"


Too old to die young, too ugly to leave a good looking corpse
Re: Joke day
brindle #500632 10/29/2012 4:13 PM
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CATHOLIC MORNING COFFEE IN ROME
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and 34" HIPS

When she walks into a room, people say,

Oh, MY God!!!


Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. H. L. Mencken
Re: Joke day
MACMC #500633 10/29/2012 4:31 PM
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Freelance Jedi Knight
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Grzegorz ......55 cubic inches http://www.flickr.com/photos/25172906@N06/ 904WisecoTPUSAcamsTTPignitorgutted Airbox"breath"airIntakeKeihinCR-ScarbsBlackEpcoExhaustS/SwheelsPortedPolishedHead
Re: Joke day
Grzegorz #500634 10/29/2012 4:57 PM
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Now that is funny,snorted wine over my computer desk

Re: Joke day
Grzegorz #500635 10/29/2012 4:58 PM
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Hey now, Grzegorz! What the hell are you talkin' about here?!!!

THAT (second) guy doesn't look ANYTHING like Eric Clapton, dude!!!

(...btw Mac, loved the Catholic joke!)


Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
Re: Joke day
Dwight #500636 10/31/2012 4:37 AM
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'


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2025 Arkansas Rally
by roadworthy - 04/24/2025 7:57 PM
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