 One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: May 2008
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OP
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I'm sure the Australians in our number will appreciate this little gem. A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. ... Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have ?' The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page : "AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH." That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days. 
I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825
"Lighten up, Francis."
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"Lighten up, Francis."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825 |
I don't think that's an AUP violation... yet. 
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 237
Adjunct
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OP
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Nice one Friar. 
I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825
"Lighten up, Francis."
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"Lighten up, Francis."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825 |
Well, you know how these threads often go off the rails, so to speak... 
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 237
Adjunct
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OP
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I'm sure the fella's will come up with something!! I'll go n hide then. 
I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
And here's one along the same lines...
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Okay, one more here... Sam Franks and Frank Sams were the best of friends since they met at school and found that their names were almost opposite. They were always playing together as kids, and grew up to be great friends. They both got married and kept friends with each other, going down to the pub at weekends, drinking and chatting about the usual hassles and fun of life. Sam Franks owned a disco which sometimes both of them would go to on Fridays for a good time and free drinks as Sam Franks owned it. But one night when Frank Sams was driving home to his wife after having a great time at the disco, a truck went out of control on the roads and crashed into his car, killing him virtually instantly. Frank Sams then found himself in heaven and able to see his dead relatives and be happy, but he was still feeling lonely without his best friend, Sam Franks, so he went to the Angel Gabriel and asked what the possibility of saying a last farewell to Sam Franks. Sam Franks was also very lonely without his best friend since school, Frank Sams, and said a little prayer to ask to see him for one last time. Angel Gabriel was contemplating whether to let Frank Sams go back to earth and see his best friend since school, Sam Franks, and as he was contemplating, he heard the prayer of Sam Franks asking to see Frank Sams one last time. Gabriel then realized the strong friendship between the two, so he said to Frank Sams that he could visit earth and his friend, Sam Franks for one last time, for one night only. So Frank Sams was overjoyed at this piece of news, so decided to visit Sam Franks on a Friday, where he almost knew he would be at his disco with his wife. Gabriel said to Frank Sams, "The only provisory that I let you go back to earth for one last night, is that you must take your wings, your golden harp and your halo with you, and you must bring them back." Frank Sams agreed and was then sent down to earth just outside of the disco that Sam Franks owned. As this night was a fancy dress type night, he decided to leave on his halo and wings so that he would fit in as another party goer, so he went in and saw his best friend ever, Sam Franks. Sam Franks was in tears as he saw his best friend ever, Frank Sams, walk over to him, they hugged each other (in that manly way). Many drinks were ordered, old times talked about. All too soon it came to closing time for the night, and the end of Frank Sams last visit to earth, so they hugged goodbye and Frank walked out the door and was whisked away back up to heaven. As it was Gabriel who was to meet him back and check all went well, Frank thanked Gabriel for the last chance to see his best friend, and Gabriel said "That's fine, I just have to check if you've not left anything behind.", Frank Sams said, "Yep, I've got my wings, my halo.. OH NO! I've left my harp in Sam Franks' disco!!"(...yeah, it's okay to groan here...though I'll bet Tony Bennett got a kick outta this one the first time he heard it!)
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825
"Lighten up, Francis."
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"Lighten up, Francis."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825 |
2 for a dollar... chuckle... snort... The other, not so much. 
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Well, I can certainly understand your reasoning here, John. The first one is somewhat timeless in its depiction of human greed and hubris...a scenario often shown on programs such as CBS's "48 Hour Mystery", while the second one contains dated material such as its reference to "discos" and a punchline which reflects off a song that was a hit way back in 1962. (...however, I've always liked both of these old jokes, and so in closing, right back at ya, kid!!!) 
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,419
Oil Expert
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Oil Expert
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,419 |
The joke about journalism is almost too true to be funny. It used to be that journalists valued integrity and their role as unbiased observers. Now they only guard against defamation - being caught out in their lies and misrepresentation. It's got so bad that you really can't believe anything reported in the media. And I won't start on their lack of proof reading their articles. 
Cheers, Richard
~~~~~~~~~~~~
09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10 |
I'd like to protest and raise an AUP violation query on behalf of all the downtrodden freedom loving Australian Journalists who's honour this thread besmirches. How's that? 
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 237
Adjunct
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OP
Adjunct
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Posts: 237 |
Quote:
I'd like to protest and raise an AUP violation query on behalf of all the downtrodden freedom loving Australian Journalists who's honour this thread besmirches.
How's that?
Journalist, honour! Really?
I'd rather ride it than clean it!!!!
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 5,590
Check Pants
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Check Pants
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 5,590 |
Placing honour and jounalist in the same sentence may in and of itself be an AUP violation  jh
"It's not what I say that's important, it's what you hear" Red Auerbach
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10 |
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825
"Lighten up, Francis."
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"Lighten up, Francis."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825 |
Quote:
Placing honour and jounalist in the same sentence may in and of itself be an AUP violation
jh
Well I know I'M offended...
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Why's that, John? Ya see, while bein' a good ol' 'Merican boy, you MAY not possess any o' that there "Honour" stuff, I think your honor is still intact, dude...journalist or not! (...saaaay, I wonder why there's still one o' them there superfluous u's in that there word "journalist"...ya think maybe Noah Webster might've overlooked that one somehow???)
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7
Monkey Butt
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Monkey Butt
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7 |
Quote:
Okay, one more here...
Sam Franks and Frank Sams were the best of friends since they met at school and found that their names were almost opposite. They were always playing together as kids, and grew up to be great friends. They both got married and kept friends with each other, going down to the pub at weekends, drinking and chatting about the usual hassles and fun of life. Sam Franks owned a disco which sometimes both of them would go to on Fridays for a good time and free drinks as Sam Franks owned it.
But one night when Frank Sams was driving home to his wife after having a great time at the disco, a truck went out of control on the roads and crashed into his car, killing him virtually instantly. Frank Sams then found himself in heaven and able to see his dead relatives and be happy, but he was still feeling lonely without his best friend, Sam Franks, so he went to the Angel Gabriel and asked what the possibility of saying a last farewell to Sam Franks. Sam Franks was also very lonely without his best friend since school, Frank Sams, and said a little prayer to ask to see him for one last time. Angel Gabriel was contemplating whether to let Frank Sams go back to earth and see his best friend since school, Sam Franks, and as he was contemplating, he heard the prayer of Sam Franks asking to see Frank Sams one last time.
Gabriel then realized the strong friendship between the two, so he said to Frank Sams that he could visit earth and his friend, Sam Franks for one last time, for one night only. So Frank Sams was overjoyed at this piece of news, so decided to visit Sam Franks on a Friday, where he almost knew he would be at his disco with his wife. Gabriel said to Frank Sams, "The only provisory that I let you go back to earth for one last night, is that you must take your wings, your golden harp and your halo with you, and you must bring them back." Frank Sams agreed and was then sent down to earth just outside of the disco that Sam Franks owned. As this night was a fancy dress type night, he decided to leave on his halo and wings so that he would fit in as another party goer, so he went in and saw his best friend ever, Sam Franks. Sam Franks was in tears as he saw his best friend ever, Frank Sams, walk over to him, they hugged each other (in that manly way). Many drinks were ordered, old times talked about.
All too soon it came to closing time for the night, and the end of Frank Sams last visit to earth, so they hugged goodbye and Frank walked out the door and was whisked away back up to heaven.
As it was Gabriel who was to meet him back and check all went well, Frank thanked Gabriel for the last chance to see his best friend, and Gabriel said "That's fine, I just have to check if you've not left anything behind.", Frank Sams said, "Yep, I've got my wings, my halo.. OH NO! I've left my harp in Sam Franks' disco!!"
(...yeah, it's okay to groan here...though I'll bet Tony Bennett got a kick outta this one the first time he heard it!)
Dwight, that was a LONG way to go for that joke. 
We all like to think of ourselves as rugged individualists. But when push comes to shove most of us are sheep who do what we are told. Worst of all, a lot of us become unpaid agents of whoever is controlling the agenda by enforcing the current dogma on the few rugged individualists who actually exist.
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,126 Likes: 13
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,126 Likes: 13 |
Quote:
...the second one contains dated material such as its reference to "discos" and a punchline which reflects off a song that was a hit way back in 1962...
Dated? lol. I guess I am being as back in the 80's living in Miami Shores, FL my neighbor had a Macaw whose favorite song was, I left my harp err heart in San Francisco. Ah Miami pre Andrew...
Blowing gravel off rural roads
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Re: One for the Aussie's. Hope it's not too un PC.
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Now WAIT a minute here, Jim! What with where that macaw resided, shouldn't it have sang "Moon Over Miami"??? Btw, re the SF/bird thing...I found this on youtube.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ssy_NxvnWi8
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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