 Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490
Adjunct
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OP
Adjunct
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490 |
Subject: Things actually said in court, word for word....very funny!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY:The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Ride like you mean it.
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5 |
That is some funny stuff right there! 
Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,425
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,425 |
I have seen these befor, but always funny to see again!
Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun?{ref, Jayne} Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting."
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,419
Oil Expert
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Oil Expert
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,419 |
v funny
Cheers, Richard
~~~~~~~~~~~~
09 America, Staintune Pipes, K&N, Breathe, Hagon Nitros, AI & O2 removed, tune 20184 (modified), MTX-L a/f gauge
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
 Hilarious find here, Jerry! Ya know, those were some of the funniest exchanges between an attorney and a witness I've heard since...well, since THIS... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEabC9WzHck
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 12,964
Stickman Yogi
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Stickman Yogi
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 12,964 |
Great humour!
Live to love, love to live.
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 12,964
Stickman Yogi
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Stickman Yogi
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 12,964 |
Q. Have you lived in this town all your life?
A. Not yet.
Live to love, love to live.
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,541
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,541 |
Brilliant stuff. You have to wonder what some of the judges think of the attorneys.
Arsenalfan. AKA Mark Able
Seller of fine automobiles.
Jaguar, Land Rover, Porsche of Chattanooga
423-424-4000
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 3,465 Likes: 2
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 3,465 Likes: 2 |
Quote:
Brilliant stuff. You have to wonder what some of the judges think of the attorneys.
Most judges WERE attorneys. Come to think of it, that may explain lot about our current legal system - though it's still a pretty good one!
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490
Adjunct
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OP
Adjunct
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490 |
My favorite is Oral...I would have answered every question with that one word.
Ride like you mean it.
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 5,590
Check Pants
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Check Pants
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 5,590 |
That's good stuff,
When we were located adjacent to District Court I always felt a defendant's guilt could be surmised from the amount of cologne they bathed in that morning.
jh
Last edited by freedom; 02/15/2012 7:16 PM.
"It's not what I say that's important, it's what you hear" Red Auerbach
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,099
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 3,099 |
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 8,393 Likes: 1
Second Wind
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Second Wind
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 8,393 Likes: 1 |
I don't know what judges think of attorneys, but I know what I think of them.
I have no faith in human perfectability. I think that human exertion will have no appreciable effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active - not more happy - nor more wise, than he was 6000 years ago.
Edgar Allan Poe
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Re: Attorney/Witness exchanges
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6
Worn Saddle
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Worn Saddle
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6 |
The last one was the best! Made my wife laugh!
Fidelis et Fortis
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