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spotted on another forum, A bit long but worth sticking with even though you can see whats coming!! had me rolling fits of laughter.....

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,20'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE ******!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second20burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-******, THAT HURT LIKE ******!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I ****** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

"four wheels move the body
-two wheels move to soul"

100,000 volts moves, yep just moves!.

That was the best write up. While reading, it was hard not to cut to the chase. I'm glad I didn't. TFF!

Long ago, in a far away land I was mercenary for a large municipality. I had risen to the rank of Sergeant and one day decided to buy a new flashlight.

My local gun/cop shop had a lovely number that was slim yet husky enuf to be masculine. It was recharcheable and powerful. It also had two small metal prongs on the bottom end.

These lovely things produced about 80,000 volts of electricity and was a powerful stun gun.

I carried it around for about 3 months and never had occasion to use it until there was a riot and I was trying to pry my way through a crowd to a particularly nasty fight.

I was going to arrest the winner. The crowd was not cooperative and nestled butt cheek to butt cheek together and would not give me access as they were enjoying the fight.

Then I remembered the stun/flashlight thingie on my belt. I drew it from the bat belt and reveresed it so the little shiney metal prongs stuck out. I gave some 400 pound fat lady a last chance to move and she told me to "F....off!"

She got 80,000 volts on the left cheek and erupted through the crowd across the fight and I never saw her again.

All I had to do was to follow in her path of broken and mangled bodies. No problem. I got to the fight and after the winner got his guy to the ground he wanted to fight me. Another 80,000 volts and he was on the ground pooping and peeing up so bad that the area evacuated immediately. I did not feel like putting this thug into my relatively clean police car so I walked away.

It was also death on cockroaches in the police station. We had lots. We were ghetto cops.

I kept the light until I retired and sold it off at a nice profit as I no longer needed it.

Great story there, Dan! It kind'a reminds me of an old Paul Newman flick named "Fort Apache, The Bronx"!

(I'll bet you remember that movie, right?!...sounds like you LIVED IT!!!)

"My local gun/cop shop had a lovely number that was slim yet husky enuf to be masculine."

I never really gave it a moments thought that torches with built in "cattle prods" were gender sensitive.

I'd hate to guess what the feminine ones look like.