Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Short jokes.

Should we have a jokes page? should these be on it?

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said"Tenpin"? I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said"Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
- Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Anonymous

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
- James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
- Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Anonymous

I don't understand. None of these are about vertically-challenged people.

Not like that.... like that.... Tommy Cooper Jokes....


Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

---------------------------------------------------

Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

---------------------------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

---------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

---------------------------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

---------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'

---------------------------------------------------

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'

---------------------------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

---------------------------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you'

---------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're Managing Director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

---------------------------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

---------------------------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

---------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

---------------------------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

---------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' .
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

---------------------------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

---------------------------------------------------

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

---------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

---------------------------------------------------

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

---------------------------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

---------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

---------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

---------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

---------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.

---------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.

---------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

----------------------------------------------------

Hear about the woman who backed into the airplane propeller?

Disaster!


Disassed her?! Heck , it killed her!

__________________

Hear about the guy who sat on a railroad spike?

Rectum.


Wrecked 'im?! Heck it killed him.

Well I'll tell ya Mark, after readin' THAT I'd say all YOU NEED is a friggin' VIOLIN and you could hit the road doin' HENNY YOUNGMAN's old act!!!

Did y'all hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

did you hear about the stick up on the bridge?










someone threw it up there!

Quote:

---

Not like that.... like that.... Tommy Cooper Jokes....

---

Tommy Cooper....one of the best. RIP Tommy

3 elderly Irish ladies riding on the open top deck of a bus:

#1 "It's windy today."

#2 "It's not Windsday, it's Tharsday".

#3 "Yiss, I'm tharsty too."

The man says, "Doctor, it hurts when I touch here, it hurts when I touch here,
it hurts when I touch here..."
The Doc says, "You've broken your finger."

The Man goes into a psychiatrists office and says,
"I'm a Kleptomaniac, help me!"
The shrink says, "Why don't you take something for it?"

Please be very careful. I don't know how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I, and others have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could easily happen to you.

The victims are always males, so ladies, please pass this information along to your husbands, boyfriends and all your male friends.

Here's how the scam works........ Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start kissing, touching and fondling each other.

Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again today, and most likely it will happen again tomorrow.

Q. How did Grand Canyon formed?
A Scotsman dropped his penny into a small crack somewhere in Arizona.

Q. How did copper wire invented?
A. By two Scotsmen quarrelling for a penny.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger? Jagger sings: "Hey, you, get offa my cloud" Scotsman shouts: "Eh, McCloud, get off my ewe!"

"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."

A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims " May the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony". The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: "No, thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here".

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said "How about a date later?" She said, "I'm married." "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, "You tell him yourself- he's shaving you".

The right tools for the job

Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive MC parts not far from the object you are trying to hit

Mechanics Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on boxes containing fairings or replacement saddles.

Electric hand drill:
Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but also works great for drilling mounting holes in the side plastic of your GPZ, just above the brake line that goes to the front wheel.

Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools that work on the ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vice-grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene torch:
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the zippo lighter you got from the PX at fort campbell

Zippo lighter:
See Oxyacetylene torch

Drill press:
A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire wheel:
Cleans the rust off old bolts, then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes finger whorls and hard earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes to you to say ‘Django Reinhardt’.

Hydraulic floor jack:
Used for lowering a GPZ to the ground after you have installed new front fork springs, trapping the jack handle firmly between the front wheel and a brake disc.

Eight foot long Douglas fir 2 x 4:
Used for levering a Kawasaki upward off a hydraulic jack.
Tweezers:
A tool for removing wood splinter.

Phone:
Tool for calling your neighbour Chris to see if he has another hydraulic jack.

Snap-On gasket scraper:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise, used mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.

E-Z out bolt and stud extractor:
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing light:
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up on the pulsing rotor coil.

Two-ton hydraulic engine hoist:
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of wiring and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman ½ x 16 inch screwdriver:
A large wheel prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery electrolyte tester:
A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a GPZ battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation metal snips:
See hacksaw.

Trouble light:
The mechanics own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, ‘the sunshine vitamin’, which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 m/m howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the battle of the bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips screwdriver:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil-cans and splash oil on your shirt, can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air compressor:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

An elderly gent walked into the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. He told the madam that it was his 97th birthday and he wanted to celebrate by having a go with the wildest thing they had. The madam looked him over and said, "The wildest we have? You couldn't survive the mildest we have! Just look at you! You're all washed up, you're finished!"
He said, "Oh, I'm finished? Well, how much do I owe you?"