Your last name stays put.
Try getting people to spell it correctly.

The garage is all yours.
Now if I could just keep it organized.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.
But the bill doesn't.

Chocolate is just another snack.
Not true it also serves as a gift, distraction and bribery.

You can be President.
Only an idiot would want that job.

You can never be pregnant.
A nurse told me that having a kidney stone hurts just as much and I've had one of those, so does that count?

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
So why does it always end up being a Led Zeppellin one?

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Doesn't always make it right.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Not true, you just have to know what they are talking about.

The world is your urinal.
Okay I admit that is convenient.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
See above.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Until you come across the wayward left-handed thread.

Same work, more pay.
I need a job right now.

Wrinkles add character.
...and they add wrinkles.

Wedding dress -$5000. Tux rental-$100.
Did I mention the bill part?

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
That's because there is nothing there, what's the point?

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Oh! Have I got stories!

One mood all the time!
Wrong!!! That mood changes to the other one when we are drunk.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Unless you are calling a service centre.

You know stuff about tanks.
That is cool isn't it? What do you want to know?

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
So why do we end up carrying three?

You can open all your own jars.
You do know how we get strong hands right?

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Oh it's no problem, I'm enjoying writing this out.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Water under the bridge.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
...and they've got four sides.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
With or without counting motorcycle boots?

You almost never have strap problems in public.
Ever have an itch or get sweaty?

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Clothes wrinkle? Huh.

Everything on your face stays its original color.
This one I just don't understand.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Suuurrrrre, if you have hair.

You only have to shave your face and neck.
...and face and face and face and face.

You can play with toys all your life.
I can't say what I want here, this is a family-oriented site.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
Is this like the face colour changing thing? Cause I still don't get that.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
...and they don't have to match the tan on your face. Hey! Colour on my face. I get it! I get it!

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You mean like clean them and stuff right? Or is there something else we can do with them? Like cut off a piece and then fling it and kill a man. Yeah!!

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Not all mustaches are created equal.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Sometimes on December 26.

John Like a dog on a car ride with my tongue in the wind