 Joke of the day
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OP
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Harley and Davidson were toasting each other in heaven when God walked past. " What's the celebration ?" said God. "We're celebrating the fact that the company we started designs and built the BEST motorcycles in the world !". "I think Triumphs are better " said God. "What do know", said Harley "you designed women and look at the trouble they can be !". "Excuse me," said God "I think you'll find out that more men ride MY creations than they do yours !"
If you do it today you MIGHT regret it. If you CAN'T do it tomorrow you WILL regret it.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,307
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 1,307 |
A baby seal walks into a club!!
Dont like what you see??? Big red X in the top right of your screen will fix it!
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825
"Lighten up, Francis."
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"Lighten up, Francis."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 18,825 |
Quote:
A baby seal walks into a club!!
Badum-bum... tssh...
He'll be here all week. Try the fish...
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 820
3/4 Throttle
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 820 |
a dublin mate of mine told me this one...
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my
mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,"My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our
next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my
dad says it will take the contagious."
lol
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,541
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,541 |
Quote:
and my
dad says it will take the contagious."
lol
Heard that one before. Never fails to crack me up.
Arsenalfan. AKA Mark Able
Seller of fine automobiles.
Jaguar, Land Rover, Porsche of Chattanooga
423-424-4000
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another one
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3
Old Hand
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Old Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3 |
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere in space 'cause it's buggar all down here. -- Monte Python
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Re: another one
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 820
3/4 Throttle
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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in a bar all discussing families.
Englishman says "my son was born on St Georges Day, so I called him George"
Scotsman says "my son was born on St Andrews Day so I called him Andrew"
Irishman says "I dont f***ing beleive this... wait until I tell our Pancake!!!"
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 763
3/4 Throttle
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Two English businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their 'soon-to-be' new store. The store wasn't ready as yet, and had only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent asked, "What are you selling here ?" One of the men winked at the other, and replied, sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes." Without missing a beat, the Scotsman said, "You're doing well then ... only two left, eh!!" And Please its only humour not meant seriously 
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7
Monkey Butt
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Monkey Butt
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7 |
Two lawyers walking down the street see a beautiful woman. One says to the other "howdya like the screw that?" The other replies "Outta What?"
We all like to think of ourselves as rugged individualists. But when push comes to shove most of us are sheep who do what we are told. Worst of all, a lot of us become unpaid agents of whoever is controlling the agenda by enforcing the current dogma on the few rugged individualists who actually exist.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 387
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 387 |
Celebrating 4th of July at friends house about 15 years ago. We were lighting off every imaginable fireworks, kids getting all excited with sparklers and stuff. Well there was one gal there with her son, they were visiting from England. She was so amazed, as was her son. She started to ask me how the 4th all started, then stopped at mid sentence and said " Oh yea, you kicked our butts some time ago" Every one just cracked up.
True story.
Sono qui per la birra
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3
Old Hand
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Old Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3 |
A tourist hired an open carriage to tour Dublin. Along the way, he tells the driver, "Stop at this pub Paddy and I'll buy you a drink."
Of course, being a tourist, he did just that, bought a drink. On the way back to the carriage, he said, "There now Paddy, didn't that make a new man of you?"
Paddy replied, "Indaid it did sor, an' the new man is jist as tharsty as th' auld 'un."
Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere in space 'cause it's buggar all down here. -- Monte Python
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 820
3/4 Throttle
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3/4 Throttle
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Posts: 820 |
Q: Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli?
A: He was pulled in by a strong current.
Patient: I think I'm going deaf.
Doctor: What are the symptoms ?
Patient: A cartoon about a yellow family.
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding his bike in the kitchen
Q: What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of marbles?
A: You can unload the babies with a pitchfork.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1 |
Public School Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested this morning at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
Stewart
.......
"It's outside your field of expertise."
"Poppycock normally is."
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7
Monkey Butt
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Monkey Butt
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7 |
Quote:
Public School Teacher Arrested
A public school teacher was arrested this morning at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
I think the presidential jokes will be funnier in about 75 days.
We all like to think of ourselves as rugged individualists. But when push comes to shove most of us are sheep who do what we are told. Worst of all, a lot of us become unpaid agents of whoever is controlling the agenda by enforcing the current dogma on the few rugged individualists who actually exist.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5 |
Quote:
I think the presidential jokes will be funnier in about 75 days.
grow up and get over it
Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3
Old Hand
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Old Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3 |
A couple of kids were talking one day.....
"What does your dad do?"
"Nothing, he's a senator."
"Honest?"
"Naw, he's just like the rest of them."
Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere in space 'cause it's buggar all down here. -- Monte Python
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Quote:
Quote:
I think the presidential jokes will be funnier in about 75 days.
grow up and get over it
JUST for YOU, Dave. 
(okay, and maybe Larry too....) 
There once was a man from I-o-way
Who often never did shy away
from beating a dead horse
And his motto of course:
"It's always my way or the highway!"
Last edited by Dwight; 11/06/2008 3:14 PM.
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 657
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 657 |
This big Texan was holidaying in Sydney Australia, having a few beers with a couple of locals, and he asks them what the did.
The aussie says " I've got a few acres, grow a bit of wheat and run a few sheep."
The Texan says "Oh! I've got a cattle ranch and it is so big I can get on my horse at sun up, ride hard all day, and not reach the opposite boundary."
The Aussie says "Had a horse like that myself once"
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1 |
Two Brothers
One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died.
He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to he77 instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into he77 and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to he77, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Stewart
.......
"It's outside your field of expertise."
"Poppycock normally is."
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 763
3/4 Throttle
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3/4 Throttle
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 763 |
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7
Monkey Butt
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Monkey Butt
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 7 |
Quote:
JUST for YOU, Dave.
(okay, and maybe Larry too....)
There once was a man from I-o-way
Who often never did shy away
from beating a dead horse
And his motto of course:
"It's always my way or the highway!"
Pot, kettle, etc.
We all like to think of ourselves as rugged individualists. But when push comes to shove most of us are sheep who do what we are told. Worst of all, a lot of us become unpaid agents of whoever is controlling the agenda by enforcing the current dogma on the few rugged individualists who actually exist.
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 20,096 Likes: 2 |
Yep! Just like a good Single Malt Scotch, you might call me "an acquired taste" TOO.(among the many OTHER things you may care to call me, of course)
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,438
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,438 |
Tree peanuts ver valking down da strasse
vun of dem vas assaulted
peanut
Ride On!
Airguy
--------------------
You gotta' be smart to be lazy(and get a job done)
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 228
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 228 |
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"you have been to France before, Monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"then you should know enough to have your passport ready"
The elderly gentleman said, "the last time I was here I didn't have to show it "
"impossible",the customs officer says, "the British always have to show their passport on arrival in France !"
The man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained,"When I came ashore on the beach on D-DAY in 1944, I couldn't find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to".
My name is phil . . . I ride a TRIUMPH
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 582
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 582 |
Quote:
Quote:
I think the presidential jokes will be funnier in about 75 days.
that's cuz it's cruel to make fun of retards
"Got the wind in my face the road goes on for miles...."
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 604
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 604 |
Quote:
Celebrating 4th of July at friends house about 15 years ago. We were lighting off every imaginable fireworks, kids getting all excited with sparklers and stuff. Well there was one gal there with her son, they were visiting from England. She was so amazed, as was her son. She started to ask me how the 4th all started, then stopped at mid sentence and said " Oh yea, you kicked our butts some time ago" Every one just cracked up.
True story.
Nuther one -
At a friend's 4th party, someone set off an arial bomb (in town).
A cop came and said someone complained.
Somebody said it was a block party and everyone was invited.
The cop said "You forgot somebody."
Also true.
Said Molly to James, that's a fine motorbike.
Richard Thompson
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Re: Joke of the day
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1 |
Do you know why??
When a woman wears leather, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry? He goes weak in the knees, And he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.
....................................................
Medicare in a Nutshell!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.'
'Mrs. Ward, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS We can't tell which is your husband's.'
'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
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