Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge 15 year old advice....

My son Brad, will be 15 years old tomorrow, and Im at my wits end as to what to do with him....His grades are at an all time low, and he has been told to go to tutoring after school until 5:30. Well, he has blown this off, and shows no interest in school work, or making better grades...He came in yesterday at 4:00, and left until like 7:30, no idea where he went. I had been sick at work all day, and was sleeping at the time, so when he came in, Kimmy showed me his grades, and told me that he had been lying about going to tutoring. Off came the belt, and I commenced to whipping him pretty hard for lying. He showed no tears, just defiance, and bowed up on me. Then it got ugly, I told him to "come on", you wanna fight, we'll fight...he just kept saying "get off of me". I never hit him, but held him really tight to show him who was in charge. It was an ugly evening. My Dad used to bring the blood to my a$$, and I feared for my life when he whipped me, but Brad seems to show no fear...Everything has been taken away from him, cellphone, skateboard, free time, but he shows nothing but defiance...I continued yelling at him, telling him as long as he lives in my house, Im in charge, and he WILL comply. I start attending tutoring classes with him Thursday afternoon (his birthday)...any ideas????

He's big enough now you're not going to hurt him and he knows it. Two choices: 1: he learns how hard it is to dig ditches and shovel gravel because that's where he'll end up without an education. 2: reward based compliance; there's something he desperately wants and you can cut a deal with him to earn it.
I'd also recommend gathering some of his hair from his brush and sending it off for a drug test. It's not what you want to hear but it is something you need to know. You could get lucky and just have a hormonally unbalanced defiant kid.

Boy, Pard that's a rough one. I was very fortunate, both of my boys were great. One love shooting, so I took him to rifle matches and we shared a rifle and gear, when he was 13. He is now 37. We also did a lot of hiking and photography. My other son is now 41. He is a very smart guy and loved computers and he still makes me a very proud father. I think you have to find something that Brad may be interested in and join in with him with that interest and show him that you love him. My boys did not get spankings after they were about ten. I think after that it does not work. Showing the results of doing things right or wrong will do more good. When you go to the tutoring you might make it a WE thing instead of you. Talk about what you learned with him.

Dave

It may sound simplistic, but have you sat down with him and talked to him as to what he wants or how he feels or if he's having problems somewhere in his life? It may be that he's being bullied at school or coming to terms with, for example, his sexuality or whatever. Explain how his behaviour makes you feel. Physical abuse isn't going to work, nor (I believe) is sneaking round behind his back, as Roadie suggested; certainly if my parents did that to me, I'd have left home and never spoken to them again.
It's a different world to when you or I were growing up and what worked for your dad with you isn't likely to work with a teenager of today. He wants to be treated like an adult (although you know, in reality, he's a kid) so talk to him.
Another suggestion is for you to seek professional help as to how you 'manage' him. I'm sure there are groups available.


Good luck, Neill

(I should point out that I don't have kids of my own (nor do I want any) so this advice is based on what I may have wanted when I was that age, not what I've learnt as a parent. I've never responded well to people dictating what I can and can't do...I still don't.)

Yeah, What Oldroadie said. My kids were th SH** at that age and we found out later it was pot, and other delectables. We never would have thought it. But it was true. Funny, when we were doing that stuff while living at home we tried to blend in and avoid conflict. They do not seem to do that these days.

They are also just trying to pull away and exercise their independence at that age. That is all fine and good if they can keep up their responsibilities. That could be part of it too.

Best of luck, I remember that was a very agonizing era of my parenting. I does pass, in most cases, and now my kids are great, respectful and productive.

They still think I am a Dork...

Well I cannot offer any advice here either but I do feel for you as it must be a very hard and heart breaking situation to be in.

You have reached the point where no physical punishment will be worth it, either short term or long term. This is the stage where all you can do is roll with it, and hope they snap out of it. It may be another 5 years tho, just so you know. I have 3 kids that were all raised by the same parents with the same rules. Two of them "got it" and my youngest was just like your 15 year old. Face it, different personalities respond differently, so you need to keep trying different approaches. My youngest was the smartest person alive at 15, didn't even need to finish high school. Now at 20, he is seeing how much he doesn't know and how much smarter Dad has become. I even get comments now like "I see what you mean about this or that!" The rules we had are now beginning to make sense and the lightbulb above his head is starting to flicker. Sometimes it helps to have bad examples....do you have relatives or friends with problem kids now in their 20s? Your the 'Authority figure' so just figure you are full of crap and are only talking to make his life difficult, so talking to someone closer to his age that's been there may carry more weight. Just remember this will pass, and you don't want to alienate him totally. He still has plenty of time to correct his course in life. Look at the good in him, I'm sure there is enough to balance this rough time. Boys typically do not develope their logical side of the brain until late teens or early 20's. I know it's tough, but sometimes the best course of action is to let it be, and make it HIS responsibility to do right and let the chips fall where they may. It's what I had to do with my youngest. It's not giving up, but accepting that you have done all the molding you can by the time they are 10-12 years old, and now need to watch what the results are. Be there for him when he needs the help and advise from old stupid Dad, it will get better.

Where do you think my sig line came from?

later, Tom.

Yup...sounds like Austin to me!

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Boys typically do not develope their logical side of the brain until late teens or early 20's

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So you're staying at 26, I'm SOL?

I think ,having two teenagers of my own. The best you can hope for is that they don't end up in prison. I have considered taking mine back in the woods behind my house and chaining them to a tree for a few days. Just to let them ponder their place in the universe. But, alas, we have bears, coyotes and the occasional wolf. I'd probably feel pretty bad it I went back to get them and a bear had eaten them. I wouldn't so much mind a rabbit chewing on their toes for a bit. I don't think there is an answer. But if you come up with one. Hook a brother up.

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Boys typically do not develope their logical side of the brain until late teens or early 20's

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and that's the early learners....

Seriously, now...
The best book I read (and contiunue to re-read as needed) is Get Out of My Life But First Will You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall - (I think that's the title, I'm at work, don't have the book with me). It's about how to stay sane and deal with adolescent kids (girls and boys, even though the title is girly) once they start getting all crazy. And making us crazy.

Mark, I think the first step is for you to get your head straight- if you're all whacked out and out of control ( very understandable- he's your son and you want the best life for him, it's petrifying/paralyzing to see a kid heading in the wrong direction) it won't help and you'll just wind up feeling bad about yourself as a father. Get some help and support for yourself and Kimmy- school guidance office, counseling, church, somewhere.

I think drug testing is justifiable and I wouldn't wait on my daughter's "permission". I'm Emily's mother (she's 15) and it's my job to do everything I can to keep her safe. If she was drinking/getting high, she wouldn't come home and say, "Hey Mom, today I ate some Oxy-contin and had a few beers with my friends, it's what I do now, and that's why I'm withdrawn, defiant, moody and skipping school."

There's such a fine line between allowing natural consequences and intervening when kids start to act out.

Mark, I think you are going about things in the wrong way. I had a bad relationship with my own dad, who was pretty harsh on me when I was a kid. That sets the stage for the rest of a kid's life and really keeps them from reaching their potential. Start by saying you are sorry. Tell your kid you love him and stop worrying about what is going to happen to him when he grows up. It's his life. He needs you to support him unconditionally, even if he is making mistakes. I have made many mistakes in my life and still make mistakes to this day. You have to let go a little bit so that he can feel like he has some control over his own life. Once you stop coming down on him and he stops acting out of defiance, he may actually come around and want to talk to you. Ask him if he can agree to certain basic rules - withoug getting angry. He has to buy into whatever he is being asked to agree to, otherwise it will go nowhere. As far as drugs are concerned, my experience is that kids use drugs to cover up pain and feelings of low self esteem that probably originated years ago often from a poor parent-child relationship. Sometimes, drugs are the symptom of a deeper issue and are not necessarily the cause of the problems. Keep things in perspective, I didn't listen to everything my old man said, and in fact had to learn a lot of things the hard way in life. Most people I know had the same experience. Getting your relationship with your son back on track is the key and may take several years.

Mark,
I tried to swear off giving advice for these types of off-topic issues, but I can't hold back on this one. It just hits too close to home. I basically agree with the last two (previous) comments. I was a real loser - bad grades, bad work ethics, sneaky, and all the other crap a kid can be. I was so lazy that my dad often said he had to lay down beside me just so he could see what I'd look like if I stood up. But, all I want to say is that the unconditional love and support are well worth the effort. Many kids that don't seem like they'll ever amount to a hill of beans turn out quite successful, quite happy, and most important to you - end up being good people who love their parents. Your son is in the most mixed up, uncertain time of his life. He needs support more than an assbusting. You need to unwind a bit and ride the wave. It will only settle out on his terms. There isn't any beating sanity and reason into him. It will only drive you apart. I'm not saying to turn him loose to the point he has no respect and no source for direction and advice - just don't expect him to be much more than what he is for awhile. It just takes time - Time you can either come to enjoy or hate. Trust me, it gets better. I once thought my dad was a tyrant and an idiot. I now understand he was both a saint and a genious. You'll both look back on these troubling times and laugh one day.

When I was 17, I skipped school on senior skip day, just to keep from being a "nerd", and when I got home, my dad was waiting for me with a belt, and you can bet I did'nt miss another day of school....I don't know if this will work on Brad, it does'nt appear to have. Brad is not the kind of kid that would do drugs, but stranger things have happened. He simply needs motivation to do his school work. Starting strenuous home work tactics tonight....I did tell him that I loved him, and that I hate to have to whip him, but that I wanted him to do good, he looked up at me with sincerity and said "OK, I will"....We have a good connection and relationship, and he has an excellant sense of humor....all the time...There's no lack of love shown to the boy, he gets all the attention he needs, he's just lazy....he will be alright...Gonna stop whipping him...like ya'll say...It hurts me MUCH more than it hurts him...

Mom's turn.
First let me say how much I appreciate any and all advice and will take each and every one into serioius consideration.
Having said that there's a lot more to the story than Mark has put out. Like last weekend when he decided to leave red marks up and down my back from hitting me and how he seems to think it's ok to knock his sister around from kicking her to hitting her in the chest to more.
I appreciate the "understanding and uncontidional love" thing and will always be there, but let me tell you one thing...I will not tolerate him putting his hands on women like he thinks he has a right to and I told him and I will tell anyone here. When he decides to stand up and strike like a man..he'll fall like one too. YOU DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS ON A WOMAN...particularly your MOTHER.
On to school and finding something to do together
We did. Brad does Drill Team with AFJROTC in our school...He loves it and has been told by several superiors that he is one of the best. He got temporarily suspended due to grades. I have been putting 95 percent of effort into helping him get back into place while he's putting out 5 percent. This is something that we all go to as a family and support him. His sister even loves going and watching him. It was actually the only time they weren't fighting. Mark took off work to go see him. We are and have been very supportive of both of our kids almost to a point of too much leinancy which is probably why we are where we are right now. Unfortunately we need at this time to reel them back in before this gets any farther.
And finally on the whipping issue. Any corporal punishment in our house is few and far between. Neither one of us like to have to do it at all and only do so when it gets to an extreme level like hitting your mom, or consistantly lying and stealing.
So, that's my 2 cents worth (maybe a little more)on what's going on here...once again..keep the advice coming I will seriously take it all into consideration.

You owe it to yourselves and Brad to do a drug test to eliminate that as a factor. Take advice from a drug addict (I'd say former drug addict but once hooked always defined as such), they're cheap, easily obtained at school and readily consumed...by good kids, very good kids whose parents wouldn't suspect. Eliminate the possibility so you can concentrate on positive corrective behavior modification.

I try to stay out of such affairs not knowing the full facts. However when it comes to lifting his hand to a female I would take this very seriously and seek a professionals opinion on this.

Mark/Mom,

I'm no expert but I'll tell you how Alexander the Great (my father - his name was Alexander) handled me at exactly the same age and after a similar conflict (almost fist fight - also my grades were rubbish due to laziness and other interests etc. etc.).

He "handled" me!

He very obviously retreated from my case for a short while and then applied a strategy which he very much later told me about.
He started challenging my competence in a positive manner which assisted me in turning my "head-strongness" into something creative. Sort of like implying a challenge (without pi$$ing me off) and very clearly demonstrating that "hot air" means nothing.
Call it manipulation or whatever but it worked.

Although I never beat on a woman and at a later time, he "planted" the notion in my head that it was easy to be a tough guy (he called it a "small man") with the ladies and that it was tough to be a gentleman.
Did I want to be a "small man"???.
I have never, to this day, forgotten his words.

Within 4 or 5 years he started being very proud of me (he told others - not me) both academically and later professionally and did so very strongly to his dying day (when I was 34).

Some English words escape me and I'm in a bit of a hurry to pop out for a while but that is more or less the jist of it.

He needs to be "handled". Creative challenge works - hot air (his) doesn't.
No conflict - no punishment.

My 2 cents.

If I had a 15YO who was being violent with his mother and/or sister, I don't know if I could hold back. I know two wrongs don't make a right but I would beat him within an inch of his life. I don't put up with that sort of thing one dang bit.

"I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Make another one that looks like just you." -Bill Cosby

Probably a good thing I never had kids...

I feel for you guys. Can you enlist the help of someone in ROTC that your sons respects? The relationship he has with his parents (right now at least) may not be conducive to helping him get back on track. But someone that he respects, that has the values you want him to adopt, may be able to get through.

Good luck.

I have 1 defiant kid. She actually has Defiant Disorder among a couple other problems but if thats what is going on you are in for a wild roller coaster ride. Not much you can do unless you medicate (we chose not to). The drug test is also a good idea in my opinion. With Defiant Disorder beating and yelling won't help it actually has the opposit effect because they can't distinguish good attention from bad. I fight with it every day,and there are good days and bad days. I don't have any real solution for you if thats what is going on. I believe in spanking and disipline so don't take it as an anti-spanking thing just won't help.The holding down , same thing. All you can do is try and talk and steer him in the right direction and it will be tough. I hope for your sake it is just a boy rebeling.

Mark and Kimmy-
You both are being so courageous in sharing this. There's a saying in the recovering community- "You're as sick as your secrets", meaning if folks keep problems inside or "in the house" (cuz don't we all want to look like we're on top of everything), it only festers and worsens. Your love and commitment to your son is shown by your posts. Applause and respect to you.

I'm going to echo again oldroadie's suggestion about the drug/alcohol testing- also speaking from experience, and especially now that you've shared about Brad getting so violent with Kimmy and his sister.... And really encourage you and Mark get some outside support and guidance for yourselves to stay sane, to stay united as a couple as you figure out how to manage Brad. You don't need to be alone in dealing with your son- it doesn't mean you're not good enough as parents or that you're failing in any way if you reach out for help.

To echo Paula and Oldroadie, do the drug tests! A very close friend had a 15 year old who was acting "strange", and suspicious, but was otherwise a straight-A, seemingly well-behaved kid. But his Mom (my friend) had a gut feeling that "something" was going on (it wasn't as obvious as in your case where your son is acting out against seemingly everything). Well, she didn't follow her gut, and her son and another kid ended up taking another kid out that they were ****** at, and pointing a gun at him and robbing of some money the other kid said he owed him, and then beat him up some. Well, after A LOT of lawyering, and it being a first time offense, she finally got VERY LUCKY, and he ended up getting off with 90 days in a juvenile detetntion center, as well as probation for a year and random drug tests. It could have all gone much more horribly wrong obviously, and thankfully, he has learned a lesson. None of us EVER want to think our kids can do something as stupid as drugs, but I did some (not heavily) when I was your sons age, and I knew better and was not a "problem" child. 15 year olds (or 13-20) are not very good at making sensible common sense decisions, and throw that on top of all the hormonal changes, it's VERY easy for them to stray off the path. Not only would I recommmend a drug screening, but also as others have mentioned, keep trying to talk TO him, not AT him. Not confrontationally, because, I can tell you, that doesn't work with my 8 year old, and it won't work with a 15 year old. But also consider the possibility that it's something along the lines of a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Reach out for help in EVERY direction, and do not rule ANYTHING out. Best of luck to both of you, I hope it turns out well.

Mark and Kim. When I was young, when we(brother and sisters) did something really bad we got an unrestrained whipping. Our parents loved us and talked to us all the time about the consequences of our actions(for the present and the future). I went on to serve in the military then into law enforcement and now my own business, my sisters went on to raising families and getting good jobs, but my brother didn't want to listen to my parents and often got in trouble with the law. Now as an older adult He regrets doing some of the things did. What I'm trying to say is sometimes a child needs constant support by his parents(which I know you both provide) but sometimes counciling may help determin what is the cause of his rebellion and hostility.......My prayers go out to you and your family.......ANGELIS

Mark, hopefully things will get better for your family over time if you work on these issues together as a family. Violence is never acceptable. What is the saying? violence begets violence and anger begets anger. To get respect give respect. etc. all sort of cliche's but also true. The good news is that at least your son talks to you and maybe will even listen. Like I said earlier, I did a lot of stupid things in my youth and even in my adulthood, so I can sort of relate to your predicament. I have two kids and found myself treating them the same way my dad treated me, cause that's the only way I knew how to parent. As I was doing it I realized that it wasn't working and hadn't really helped me, so why was I still following a pattern that clearly didn't work? Took me several years to sort it all out. But in any event be patient and things will get better.

Like a lot of others, I've been there too. Things that we'd have never done are now considered normal adolecent behavior. Only advice I can give is to stand your ground. Your house - your rules.

When he was 15, my step-son drew back on his mother. She spun around and decked him (she's 5' 1"). When he got up off the floor, he threatened to call social services or whatever it is called. She looked up the number and handed him the phone. It was a tough few years, he finally quit school and went to live with his father. I was really ticked that he quit school, but told him that if he thought he was a man, then he could live like a man. His mom and I had our moments, but stood united.

About 2 years later, he apologized to both of us for the way he'd acted and I couldn't have been prouder of him.

Fast-Forward to today; he's 34 and still feels badly about his actions and the strain he put on our marriage. Now he's got his own 15 y/o starting with the same problems; low grades, bad attitude, etc.

I wish there was an easy answer. Just make sure he knows you love him and only want what's best for him. Remind him that you've been 15 too and have experienced some of what he's going through. Be there for him when he wants you to be and let him be himself when he has to be. Then hope & pray that he grows out of it sooner rather than later.

Mark Twain once said the following...

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

Regards,
-Ward

Maybe some counseling to resolve the anger issues. Good luck to you.

We have two girls - 29 and 19. Our oldest was a bit rebellious and drank with her rich friends from 13 - 15 years old. But at that age, she thought a beer can was surgically attached to my hand, so I set her free to drink. Our youngest is showing her defiance now by dying her hair different colors and a "Monroe piercing". That's been it. They are both pretty and had guys hitting on them relentlessly. They never gave in to that temptation. My oldest daughter thanks me regularly that I did did not back down. I had a rule - 10:30!!! The only thing to do after 10:30 is get in trouble. Every time someone locally got in trouble, I asked them "What time did this happen?" It was always after 10:30. There were special occasions where the rule was bent, but not often. Kids today respect no one but themselves. They learn this from Nickelodeon and other kids programs that show these smart independant children with idiots for parents (do the simpsons come to mind? I ain't talkin bout OJ!).
I am not going to give parenting advice because I've seen so many "good kids gone bad" due to peer pressure. All I can say is when they are growing up, you have to make them feel that they are important to you (or make them feel good about themselves), make them learn to fear consequences (beat their as$es). But the most important part that lets them see that civilization and respect for others is clear cut, is the part I am not allowed to discuss here. PM me and we can talk.
So, as far as Brad goes - turn his life off. Keep doing what you're doing. You will have to deal with his depression shortly, because he will become depressed.
My best wishes and prayers are with you and Brad.

Mark, you're reaction sounds just like my old man. You probably do not want to here this but I hate that old man to this day.
I left home at 15 and never looked back. I think I turned out ok. I have two grown sons, one has never been in any trouble the other only a few minor issues. Both are married to great girls. Hard workers and very caring individuals.
I guess things have a way of turning out they way they are meant to turn out. Show him so love, give him some space but do not burn down the bridge. Once the bridge is gone there is no going back. Good luck
Mike

It's been pretty well said here but let me reiterate a few things.

Drug test.
Now.
You have to rule it out or know if that's part of the problem.

Counseling.
For all of you.
Most states and many employers can refer you to a family counseling program that will charge based on your ability to pay.

There's a thing called "tough love". I think it's called that because you have to be tough to enforce it.
The gist of it is to let him see and suffer the consequences of his actions.

When he hits his mom or sister, have him arrested. That's assault and battery.

Take away all luxuries. Those are privileges for being a responsible member of a family.
One pair of shoes, you pick. Two sets of clothes, one to wear while the other is washing. etc.

If he stays out after curfew, he stays out and is reported as runaway.

I have three kids. The oldest, now 24, was the problem. We had to use many of the tough love methods with her.
Three years ago she gave me a hand printed, framed essay about the power of parents who are able to handle these trying times.
It's a Christian themed essay, so I'll abide by the AUP.

One last piece of advice that was given to me while dealing with my defiant child:

"If you always do what you've always done.
You'll always get what you've always got."

I'll tell you, two years ago, I wouldn't have read past the second post on this thread; today, what you're writing is much more important to me.

I watched my nephew go thru the same things your telling. Smart, friendly kid that started skipping out, causing problems in school, fights, not coming home, etc.. His Mom, (my sister) did the best she could, but approached everything with a "today the problem is..." attitude and never looked to address the bigger problem. The signs were there, but much of the family didn't know of the day to day problems. We only heard of the big things, like major fights, or when the Sheriff caught him and some friends messing around in the middle of the night.
For three or four years, this type of thing went on, but nobody knew how bad some things must have been...

He fixed his problems alone in his room one week before his 20th birthday.

There was no note & not a single freind or family member had any idea it was about to happen. There isn't a day that passes that I don't miss him.

Do whatever you have to do; drug tests, counselor, talk to the school, pastor, anything.. but DO NOT take for granted that some things take care of themself.

I know you won't let this rest and will make the right decisions. Reaching out for help, advice and guidance from other is important.

"Take away all luxuries. Those are privileges for being a responsible member of a family."

Second that...mine's just turning 15, though he lives with his grandparents, but he's pretty decent so far.

On the other hand I do remember when I was that age, I thought I was billy bada@@. Dad (who was a pretty big guy anyway) whaled the ****** out of me on occasion, and I figured I'd stand up to it and show him what a man I was. Never really worked out for either of us.
So one day he decides he's going to run the house like a DI. I got woken up at 6 am - my "snooze alarm" was him whacking me with his crutch (he was an amputee) til I got up. I had exactly five minutes to eat breakfast or he'd dump it down the disposal. Anything not absolutely required for me to function was taken out of my room and tossed. "Consequences" was the operative word. Come home a minute late, and I better hope the porch is comfy to sleep on.
One of the things I remember most was the time I was standing in the kitchen and smarting off - he didn't say a word so I kept it up...right until the second he dumped a gallon pitcher of ice water over my head. I stood there shocked and he calmly filled it up again and dumped it again.
Shock and humiliation...he SHOULD have been a DI, that's the same kind of stuff I saw in Basic.

Also when I WASN'T being a total a@@, he treated me like an equal.
Again, the same sort of thing I saw in Basic later on - get treated like a worthless simpleton when you're wrong, get respect when you do it right.
The funny thing is, I'll bet his tough act is just looking for your respect...without him knowing that's what it is, of course.

Good luck!

Advice can be dangerous, but here goes...

I was raised old school. My parents both believed in "spare the rod, spoil the child". I believe in that as well, up to a point... a swat on the rump gets their attention quick.

When they reach the age of 15, you're just kidding yourself. Things are way different today.
When my son reached the age of being all-knowing and superior, after a few incidents, I sat him and the wife down one day and told him the facts of life....
Not the birds and bees stuff, but the real facts of life -

You are our son, we love you and want what is best for you. Your mother will love you no matter what. You will always be her little boy no matter how old you are - get used to that and learn to appreciate it because no one else in your life will ever love you like your mother does. Respect her for that.
On the other hand, I have expectations. I want you to do better than I did. I want to help you do better than me. I don't care if you respect me or not. But if you don't learn from me it's your loss, not mine.
But..
Everyone gets one life. Mine and your mother's are just as important as yours.
We don't know everything. We don't know what bothers you or what your hopes and fears are unless you tell us. We can't help unless we know this. We may be out of touch with your world, but people are still the same as they've always been. That will never change. If you want our help - talk to us. If you don't want our help - don't. But I won't bail you out if you screw up because you were too "smart" to ask us first. I can't live your life for you and I won't pay for your mistakes. I paid for my own and learned in the process. We both are willing to save you from making any mistakes that we made. But you have to talk to us..
Family is all we have for sure. You will make and lose friends, girlfriends, buddies, but your family is all you have that you can be sure of. You lose that, and you are lost for sure.

You think you are a man now.

A man values his family and his friends. A man does what it takes to make things better for the people that care about him. A man puts what others need before his own needs.
If you only worry about yourself, you're just a child.

When you act like a man, I'll treat you as such. The choice is yours.


It wasn't a total cure, but at least he knew where I stood.

Guys, these are some very insightful posts. It is very good to see and talk to people who have been going through some of the same stuff we are. It helps to know we're not alone in this battle. We did talk to Brad a little more last night about what we expect and at least he is talking to us and not shutting completely down. I can see how overwhelmed he is feeling and the mom in me wants to just grab him and hold him forever and not let go... but I know I need to to let him grow. He is a good kid. We were able to come to some compromises. I don't want him to feel like he's being shoveled on so we discussed him being grounded during the week. He will go to tutoring for math, even when his grades come back up..solely because it is an area that he will always struggle in. We told him that there was no shame in needing help. The shame was in not accepting the help that was available. During the weekend he would have his time provided he did not have any errant assignments he needed to catch up on..and in that event he would have to get them done first..then his weekend was his aside from chores. Once his grades get back up then we'll start incorporating more privledges back into his weekday schedule.
It is a work in progress and once again.. every post is being seriously considered and weighed and in some cases incorporated. Keep 'em coming...checking reqularly.

Just a thought MOM....would you think it appropriate to print this thread and let him read it? I too agree with it being quite out of line for a 15 year old to hit his mother, I'm quite sure mine would have had that father-son camping trip...one day for the beating he deserved, 3 days to heal and return to public.

later, Tom.

Cheers to you for asking for some help! Went throught the same thing with my boy.
I have some suggestions for you; I know this might be hard but, 1.Apologise profusely for hitting him and dont ever do it again. 2. Share your genuine concerns, fears, and feelings from your heart. No drama, psycho-therapeutic babble, just tell him what your actually feeling. (Touch base with your self first; What is it, really, thats driving you to such rage as to physically harm him)?
3. Now this one is gonna sound really crazy; but help or facilitate him to take some healthy risks. Buy him a used motocross bike and take him out to some backroads. give 'em his board back and take him to a skate park, or get him out on a kayak, bungee jumping, etc., etc. he is going to be taking risks anyway, help steer him to some good ones. Most importantly tell him no matter what he does, you will allways love him and tell him this every single day. especially when your feeling as angry as you descirbed earlier. You will be amazed how saying those words will de-escalate you and put you back in control and in tune to what your really afraid of. Do one nice thing for him every day because he is your son.
he will probably initially make you "prove to him that you love him" by treating you like ****** and sabotoging your love, but dont give in.
You are NOT going to Make him do anything. I can gaurantee you that. You got some work to do to get back some trust. hang in there, and be there.

Yep! I agree! STOP hittin' him (gee, I wonder where he learned THAT, huh?!) and START appealing to his intellect.

I assume he has one o' those!

(BTW...a little gentle and pointed humor goes a loooooooong way...MY folks taught me that)

Definately drug test #1. You have to find out who he has been hanging out with #2. This sounds like more than just a kid with growing pains, something else is going on. You just have to find out what. Talk to a friend of his you can trust. One step at a time. If nothing else this will reassure him that you care. The asskickings of our youth is not the answer. Parents of the 60's and 70's didn't spend time with their kids. Their answer for everything was the belt. Like myself, another generation used the belt. Don't work. Just breeds resentment. Spend time, time, time with them. 15 is probably the hardest year for both a young man or a young girl. They have all the equipment but their hormones are driving them crazy. You are doing the right thing. You care.


Jerry

" Buy him a used motocross bike "

I did this for my youngest brother, the kid was in a serious funk, he was 15 and wasn't doing anything. No school work, no friends nothing.
I picked up a basket case RM 125 for 200 bucks and a shop manual and gave it to him. 2 weeks later his is riding.
Fast foward to 16, he and I found a jeep for him. I bought it and held it until he made enough money to pay me for it.
My parents wouldn't let him get a lisence until his grades were up. So he worked on it and put 200 miles on it driving around the farm. By the end of his junior year he was driving on the road and doing well in school.
He is getting some serious senioritis this year, we are all trying to keep him involved. I blame a lot of it on the school, for boys who lack college ambition they don't offer squat around here. He has been asking them about trade schools for 2 years and still nothing.

So anyway get him involved in something, a big plus is something you both are interested in.

Now can you tell me how to get my 3 month old to take a bottle?