Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Joke of the day

A man owns a business and has two employees; Jane and Jack. They're both very good employees but business has been bad and he finds he has to cut back on staff and lay one of them off. But which one?

They are both equally industrious and productive. He wracks his brains for hours and finally decides that he will watch them the next day and lay off the first one that takes a break.

Well, the next day comes and the man is watching but both Jack and Jane are being very industrious. Neither of them so much as looks up from their desk for hours. And then, finally, shortly before lunch, Jane gets up and goes to the water cooler. The man gets up and joins her at the water cooler to deliver the bad news.

"Jane," he says. "I have to lay you or Jack off."

She replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

A trucker pulls into a café, sits at the counter and orders the blue plate special. While he’s waiting, a group of badass bikers pulls in and parks in a group blocking one of the exits from the lot. They walk into the café and start harassing the patrons. Two of the biggest baddest bikers stand on either side of the trucker and start taking food off his plate trying to goad him into a fight. The trucker stands up, throws a ten on the counter and leaves.

The bikers all laugh and one of them says loudly, “Sure not much of a man is he.” The waitress looks outside and says, “Not much of a driver either, he just ran his 18 wheeler over all those bikes outside.”

While playing golf with his buddies a man received a phone call that required him to return to the office. Since they were at the furthest point from the clubhouse he decided to return to his car by walking through some woods off the 13th fairway, jumping the perimeter fence and flagging down a bus that went past the clubhouse. As he walked through the woods he noticed a virtual treasure trove of golf balls hit out of bounds off the 13th tee. Unable to restrain himself he loaded up his pockets with pristine Titleist, MaxFli, Callaway, Wilson and Nike balls. When he could stuff no more into his pockets he jumped the fence and was soon on the bus headed to the clubhouse. He noticed a woman staring quizzically at him and the large puffy bulge in the front of his pants. Realizing how odd he looked he said to the woman in explanation “Golf Balls.” Her eyes widened as she responded “Oh you poor man, I had tennis elbow once, that looks much worse!”

A boy asks his grandmother have you seen my A.D.D tablets they have L.S.D printed on the bottle? The grandmother reply's fu&k the tablets have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

George Bush shows up for his morning brefing and the first thing that he gets told is that three Brazilian soldiers were killed last night in Iraq. President Bush starts to cry and begins going on about how much it pains him to hear about deaths from the front lines when all of a sudden he stops mid-sentance and asks, "Wait, how many is a Brizilian?

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!!

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good
in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says."No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician
says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice....

So I switched the heads."

You know you're Glaswegian when:-
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie,
Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake..
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure
class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him,
in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding
day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the
Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n
,irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said/heard these
words;
how's it hingin
clatty
boggin
cludgie
pished
get it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely-wally
humphey backit
Ba'-heid
baw bag
dubble nugget
And finally......

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has
just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back,
with his erse aimed at an electric fire. The wee wumman checks oot
the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw,"
replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin."


Translations are freely available if unsure ask or better still take a guess and see how close you get

Some Scottish terms that may assist in understanding our wonderful language ?????

afore .Earlier than the time when.
auld .Advanced in years.
ay .Pertaining to.
baith .Affecting or involving one as well as the other.
bampot .A somewhat combustible individual.
baw .A spherical object.
beamer .Ruddy-cheeked display of embarrassment. See also riddie.
birling .Motion inclined to induce disorientation.
blooter .A hearty and full-blooded strike. See also lamp, scud, .skelp, stoat.
boat hoose .Evidence of upward mobility; a privately owned dwelling.
bogey, the game’s .a Declaration of despair; resignation that all is lost.
brammer .An impressive specimen. See also stoater.
brer .A male sibling.
bubbling .Prolonged and self-pitying bout of tearfulness.
bunnet .A fetching item of headgear.
cadge .To solicit charitable donations of money or more often confectionary.
cheenies .Treasured orbs in the possession of the male.
chook, is it .Expression of profound scepticism .
clamped .Rendered lost for words.
clap To .stroke affectionately. “Ken them? I’ve clapped their dug!”
coupon .One’s visage.
crabbit .Of foul humour. See certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.
da .Patriarchal head of the household.
dae .To effect, perform or carry out an activity.
deck .An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered horizontal with laughter. See also gut, pish.
deid . no longer with us, snuffed out, passed on, ceased to be.
diddies .Protruberant milk-producing glandular organs situated on the chest of the human female and certain other mammals. See also Greeenock Morton FC.
dowt .The end of a cigarette, much coveted by impoverished but aspiring apprentice smokers.
dug .Four-legged domesticated flesh-eating and leg-humping mammal of the wolf-descended genus Canis familiaris.
dunt .A small, controlled blow.
dwam .A state of foggy befuddlement.
edgy, the Look-out duty, usually in cover of nefarious deeds.
eejit .One not blessed with ample intelligence. See Old Firm supporters.
eppy .Paroxysms of uncontained anger.
erse .The posterior, buttocks or anus. Used by Old Firm supporters to accommodate the brain.
fae .Used to indicate a starting point.
fanny .The female pudenda. Term of abuse for particularly whiny and snivelling individuals. See also certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.
feart .In a state of anxiety.
fitba .Popular team sport known in some quarters as “soccer”, invented and given to the world by the Scots. English claims to have invented it rest on their having the first Football Association, which proves only that they invented football bureaucracy. Thanks a pantload, guys. You form yet another bloody committee and a hundred years later, we had to put up with Jim Farry.
fly .Sharp-witted and elusive.
fud .See Fanny. And yet again, see certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.
fullsy-roundsies .Challenging skipping-rope technique, not for dilettantes. Comparison: see shoe-shaggy.
gallus .Term of glowing approval. Derives from description of that which is cheerfully bursting with self-confidence. The word comes from “gallows”, coined at at the hanging of a Glasgow thief and murderer known as Gentleman Jim, who had remained his smiling, cocksure and witty self right up until the drop.
gaun yersel .Shout of encouragement, insinuating the recipient needs no assistance to perform his attempted feat. Literally “go on yourself”.
geezabrek .Invoked to wish for peace or better fortune.
gemme .A match or playful diversion. One might request to join by entreating: “Geezagemme”.
gemmie .Most enjoyable, highly approved.
gie .To transfer possession of something.
ginger .Generic term for carbonated minerals. Despite billions of dollars spent on brand recognition and advertising, in Glasgow, Coke, Pepsi, Seven Up and Sprite are all referred to as ginger.
greeting .Tearful outpouring of grief.
gub .The human mouth, usually referring to a large and loud one.
gubbed .Soundly beaten, inferring the resultant metaphorical closing of the aforementioned large and loud gub whose outpourings occasioned the gubbing.
guddle .A state of frantic uncoordination.
guddling .A subtle means of angling practised without a rod or net.
gut .An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one’s innards rent asunder by laughter. See also deck, pish.
hame .Where the heart is.
haun .The end of the forelimb on human beings, monkeys etc utilising opposable thumbs in order to grasp objects. Also the appendages dragged along the ground at the end of Old Firm supporters’ sleeves.
heid .Uppermost division of the human body, containing the brains, except in the case of Old Firm supporters. See erse.
heidie The headmaster.
hing .An inanimate object as distinguished from a living being.
hingmy .All-purpose procrastinatory term for that which one cannot quite think of the name of yet. Equivalent of the French truc.
honking .Emitting a foul odour; poorly thought of. See St Mirren 2001-2004.
huckled .Arrested or apprehended by agents of authority. See also lifted.
humping .The act of coitus. Also a convincing and comprehensive victory. See Celtic 0 St Mirren 3, April 1991 or St Mirren 3 Rangers 0 October 1983.
jakey .Homeless indigent partial to Buckfast and superlager.
jakey sentence .An undaunting custodial term, like those commonly conferred on the above.
jammy .Enjoying extreme good fortune. See Rangers 1 St Mirren 0, Scottish Cup semi-final replay 1983.
jinky .Swift-footed and elusive
jobbie .human waste product. See the performance of Brian McGinlay
as referee, Scottish Cup semi-final replay 1983.
jooks .Outer garment extending from the waist to the ankles.
kb-ed .Rejected. Knocked back.
keech .See Jobbie.
keek .To glimpse briefly or surreptitiously.
keeker .A black eye, rendering one able only to keek.
kerry-oot .A cargo of alcoholic refreshments purchased from an off-licence to be transported elsewhere for consumption.
knock .To take without consent or permission and with no intention of returning it.
lamp .To strike out using one’s fist. See also blooter, scud, skelp and stoat.
lash .Leather tawse used for administering corporal punishment in Scottish schools. Outlawed in the 1980s less on humanitarian grounds than upon the belated realisation that the weans were having competitions to see who could get the most lashes.
lavvy .Water closet.
leather .To bring considerable force to bear upon an object or person. See also malky, panelling.
lifted .See huckled. That Lighthouse Family song never quite hit the same note north of the border.
lugs .Organs of hearing and equilibrium in humans, Old Firm supporters and other vertebrates.
ma .Female parent of a child or offspring.
maist .To the greatest degree or extent.
malky .An act or instrument of extreme violence. See also leather, panelling.
maw .see Ma.
mention S.uccinct and economical graffito stating simply one’s name.
mibbae .Perhaps.
minging .See Honking.
mockit .In a state of very poor cleanliness. See also Greenock.
moolsy S.elfish, ungenerous, disinclined to share one’s sweeties with half a dozen cadgers who wouldn’t give you the steam off their shite if it was the other way around.
morra .(the) The day after today.
nae .Denoting the absence of something, such as the likelihood of an Old Firm supporter winning Mastermind: “Nae chance”.
neb .Nose.
noggin .See Heid.
numpty .See Eejit.
old firm .Ingenious idiot-identification scheme which tags halfwits, criminals, thugs and assorted neerdowells voluntarily in blue or green-and-white garments, making them easier for the rest of us to avoid.
paisley .(get off at) To practice coitus interruptus.
pan breid .A soft loaf made with refined white flour. Also rhyming slang for deceased.
panelling .A brutal and inrestrained violent assault. See also leather, malky.
pish .Urine; urinary function. Also an incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered incontinent by laughter. See also deck, gut, and Morton blowing promotion in 2004.
porteed, .you’re a Early playground declaration of intent to bring the authorities to bear upon a transgressor.
poke .A paper bag.
polis .Organisation employed to harrass and intimidate under-twelves.
proddy .Member of the Protestant or Presbyterian faiths, or one perceived to be so due to non-attendance of a Catholic school.
puddock .A frog (“Aye, it’s a braw bird, the puddock”)
riddie .See beamer.
sair .Painful.
sclaff .Poorly executed strike of a ball failing to make clean or well-directed contact. See Jose Quitongo.
scoobie .A clue, or inkling.
scud .In a state of undress. Also, to strike something with dull force. See also blooter, lamp, skelp and stoat.
scud book .A magazine celebrating the female form.
self-reference .See self-reference.
shite .See keech, jobbie, and certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.
shoe-shaggy .Undemanding novice level of skipping ropes, swinging back and forth without describing full circles. Comparison: see fullsy roundsies.
side .A proper match contested by two teams, as opposed to a kick-about or a game of crossy or three-and-in.
single fish .Serving of battered fish without chips which rather confusingly includes two fish. Also rhyming slang for urinary function.
skelp .To strike or slap. See also blooter, lamp, scud and stoat.
skitter .Diahorrea; also anything watery, weak and poorly formed.
skoosh .A task or prospect one expects to be less than taxing. Also a soft drink, usually uncarbonated.
snotters .Mucous discharge.
sook .The act of, or one given to acts of sycophancy or ostentatious obedience.
square go .Pugilistic unarmed combat, with both parties ready and willing participants.
steamboats .An advanced state of refreshment. See stocious.
staun .To stand.
stauner .When one’s member chooses independently to stand.
stoat .See skelp, scud, lamp etc
stoater .See brammer.
stocious .See steamboats.
stowed .Crammed to capacity.
swatch .A brief glance.
tanned .Subject to an act of robbery.
thae .Those.
thon .That.
tight .Descriptive of a young lady of robust moral virtue, who probably has nae ****** anyway.
toe .A strike at a football making up in brute power what it lacks in accuracy and panache.
wan .The singular; one.
weans .Children.
winching .The romantic pursuit of young ladies.
wrang .The opposite of right. See Brian McGinlay’s decision to award Sandy Clark a goal in the 1983 Scottish Cup semi-final replay when the ball failed to come within two feet of the goal line. See also Brian McGinlay’s failure to award St Mirren any one of three stonewall penalties during the same match.
yin .The singular. See also Wan.
yins .Multiples of the singular.

Kidhaf, glad to say I understood most of what ya said, although my family came from down by the Tweed, and a few years ago (1750's). Saw #3 the couple times I was in Gourock and Dunoon, and of course I can do #5 & 10, and who WOULDN'T like #11??!!!

Eric, I would think that if you've done all, the new Scottish Parliment should give you AT LEAST, and Honorary Knighthood!! I think Saviour of the Realm or something humble like that...


Doesn't Scotland have an Embassy in St. Thomas or someplace equally "miserable"?

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
>
> Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
>true?
>
> A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
>waste them on exercis e . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
>heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
>life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
> A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
>and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than
>an efficient mechanism of del ivering vegetables to your system. Need
>grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
>vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
>allowance of vegetable products
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
>that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
>of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! &nbs
>p;
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
>one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
>exercise program?
>
> A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
>Pain...Good!
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
> A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
>oil. I n fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
>be bad for you?
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
>middle?
>
> A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
>should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best
>feel-good food around!!
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
>
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
>about food and diets.

Awe - sweet ! think I had my first censored post yesterday !

AND WE THOUGHT THE BEST OF WAS POPULAR!!!!!

What oil are you using?