Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Joke of the day

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they
went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to
walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.


The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they
lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.




The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ****** goodbye!


Have A Nice Day & Be Careful With Your Donkey

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.




The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.




Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.




Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have A healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her That the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money And nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead Man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there Was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

Why it's important to understand English ...

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

I have to Email that one to my friends, roundy!

Thanks Stewart, that got a good ol' belly laugh outta me!
Uncle Charlie

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately.


The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Religions explained

Taoism: Sh!t happens;
Hinduism: This Sh!t happened before;
Confucianism: Confucius say: Sh!t happens;
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of Sh!t happening;
Zen: What is the sound of Sh!t happening?
Islam: If Sh!t happens, it is the will of Allah;
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock: Sh!t happens;
Atheism: There is no such thing as Sh!t
Agnosticism: Maybe Sh!t happens, maybe it doesn't;
Protestantism: Sh!t won't happen if I work harder;
Catholicism: If Sh!t happens, I deserve it;
Judaism: Why does Sh!t always happen to me?;
Televangelism: Send money or Sh!t will happen to you;
Rastafarian: Smoke that Sh!t

Love that sh!t

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

So here I am."

Two guys were in a locker room taking a shower after a game of squash when one noticed that the other had a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"That looks really uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't. It's stuck there permanently."

"How in the ****** did it happen?"

"Well, I was walking along the beach, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and a genie appeared and said he could grant me a wish. Unfortunately my immediate reaction was, "No sh*t!"

A blonde walks into a salon wearing headphones. The stylist was a little shocked and politely asks, "Ma'am, could you remove the headphones?"

"No! If I take them off, I'll die!" answered the blonde.

The stylist agreed to work around them. The blonde retured a few months later, still with headphones on. "Could you please take off the headphones, this time?" asked the stylist.

The blonde gave her the same answer as before, "I'll die if I take them off!"

Again, the stylist works around them. The third time, the blonde returns, still wearing headphones. Obviously fustrated, the stylist tells her, "Listen, I'm not working around those headphones again! Take them off!"

The blonde yells back at her, "I will DIE if I take them off!" The stylist reaches over and yanks them off. To her surprise, the blonde stopped breathing and fell to the floor.

"What the ****** was she listening to?" asked the stylist. She put one end up to her ear and heard a voice repeating;

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out."

Old lady goes to her doctor.
After a while the doctor asks her what the problem is.
"You won't believe this", she says, "but I can't stop farting! Thing is, they are completely silent, and they have absolutely no odour at all! In fact, since I came into this room, I've farted at least 20 times!"
"Mmmm'" says the Doctor, reaching into his drawer and pulling out a bottle of pills. "Take one of these every 4 hours and come back in a week."
A week later she again comes in to his office and he asks her if there's been any developments.
"Well actually, yes," she days, "I'm still farting all the time but now my farts STINK! What have you done!"
"Good" says the doctor, "I've cleared up your blocked nose, now let's work on your hearing!"

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.
Yes," the Lab replies.
So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
"I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*te"

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen

by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the

examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.



She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the

problem was, and she told him what happened.



After listening, he had her sit down and relax in

another room.



The doctor marched down the hallway to the back

where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with

you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven

grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"



The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and

without looking up, asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A guy goes to his doctor complaining about intestinal problems.
The doctor asks "How's your bowel movements?"
Guy says "No problem, I have a morning constitutional every, single day at 8:15AM"
Doctor then takes some X-rays and says "There's your problem, you've got three tapeworms in you. We are going to have to operate"

The first tapeworm says "Did you hear that? I'm going to hide behind the heart!"
The second tapeworm says "Well, I'm going to hide behind the liver!"

The third tapeworm says "Forget that, I'm taking the 8:15 out of here in the morning!"

Pilot versus priest...

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Mike the Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Chicago."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to Mike the Pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." Mike goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years. "

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

NOTE! NOT PC!

MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY.


As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern Time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.


Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.


All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's ok to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.


Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.


The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.


God bless America.


It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

A Harley sportster rider and a rider of a Triumph TBA are standing on an isolated bridge during a long cross country ride attending to the call of nature.

Mid process the Harley rider says...."Jeez this water is cold"

The Triumph TBA rider replies "Yes and its deep too"

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's okay, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Hey!!!

Anybody 'round here seen a picture o' Larry The Cable Guy's huntin' dawgs yet?

Well, here they be......

Subject: New element

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

You had old corn husks?

Shoot, we only had coal!

Yup! First re-hashed thread in the history of BA.com! Cool, eh?

So........

You had a road? Shoot, we had to hack our way out every morning just to get coal for our beds!

Tag, you're it!

You had something to hack your way out of? Geez, lucky blighter. We lived in the middle of a barren dirt field, that was so lifeless that the surface of the moon looked positively humming with life. I would say that we had to share it with the bugs, but all the bugs lived on the other side of the field with the rich kids....

Right back at ya!

!

No need to shout. Ya think its easy riding a Speedy upside down?

Paris Hilton is writing her story from jail...........she's calling it "The Whoreskank Redemption"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,

Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first

pancake & saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

But Paula, my kids aren't named Kevin or Ryan...

Bar Phrases (& Their True Meanings)

"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next round is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
(I'm easy.)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
(I'm gay.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
(I'm really easy.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
(I'm really gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
(I'm horny.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the ****** out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the ****** out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)