Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Joke of the day

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's
political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her
from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???" She
looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A guy stuck his head
into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked
around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy
left.

A few days later,
the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How long before I can
get a haircut ?"

The barber looked
around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy
left.


A week later, the
same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get
a
haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, About an hour and
half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to
a friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see
where
he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then
he doesn't ever come back."
A little while
later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked,
"So where does that guy go when he leaves ?"

Bob looked up, tears in his eyes and said,
"Your house."

One foggy night, a Green Bay Packers fan was heading south from Green Bay
and a Chicago Bears fan was driving north from Chicago.

While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling
both
cars.

The Packers fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Bears fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling
fortunate to have survived.

The Packers fan walks over to the Bears fan and says,

"Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty
differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.."

The Bears fan thinks for a moment and says,

"You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The Packer fan says, " I'm going to see if something else survived the
wreck." The Packer fan pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged
bottle of Jack Daniel's.

He says to the Bears fan, "I think this is another sign - we should toast
to our newfound friendship."

The Bears fan agrees and grabs the bottle.

After sucking down half of the bottle, the Bears fan hands it back to the
Packer fan and says, "Your turn!"

The Packer fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest
of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says,

"Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up."



GO PACKERS !!

A married couple walked into a tourist shop in
Jamaica.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special
sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them,
being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex
freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in,
and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in
his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him
violently
over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his
own pants, and
grabbed
a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,"You got dem on
the wrong feet!
You got dem on de, wrong feet!"

Retirement Planning Guide for 2007

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the
original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00
left.

If you bought $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you'd
have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one
year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum
recycling
REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice
is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away"


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten
disability.

Women's A$$ size study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about their a$$es. The results are pretty
interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their a$$ is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their a$$ is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.

Remind me to laugh later...

Har de har har har...

come on guys might be old but still worth a laugh!

A lady walks into the doctors for her results, doctor whats wrong with me ? she asks. Your grossly over weight the doctor replys, I want another opinion the lady says, OK your FU*#@N ugly as well, says the doc.

Dog, I did laugh(and forwarded the joke), but gotta give Paula a hard time anyhooooo...

My reply was a weak attempt at an age jab!

GHOST SEX!
A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a
lecture on the super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he
asks:

"How many people here believe in
ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start.

Out of those of you who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you have
seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you
take this seriously. Has anyone here
ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a
ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you
one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his
hand.
The professor takes off his glasses,
and says "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever
claimed to have made love to a
ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a
nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he
reached the front of the room,
the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way
back thar I thought you said.........
"Goats!!"

>
>
>
> >
> >
> >'Hello, is this the police?"
> >
> >"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
> >
> >"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine

> >inside his firewood!"
> >
> >"Thank you very much for the call."
> >
> >The next day, police officers descend
> >on Wazza's house in great
> >numbers.
> >
> >They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood
> >is kept.
> >
> >Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
> >cocaine.
> >
> >They swear at Wazza and leave.
> >
> >The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
> >
> >"Yeah!"
> >
> >"Did they chop up your firewood?"
> >
> >"Yep."
> >
> >"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"
> >
> >
> >
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Advertisement: 1000s of Sexy Singles online now at Lavalife - Click
> here
>
http://a.ninemsn.com.au/b.aspx?URL=http%3A%2F%2Flavalife9%2Eninemsn%2Eco
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e%3D
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T
>
>
>
> --
> No virus found in this incoming message.
> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
> Version: 7.5.467 / Virus Database: 269.6.2/785 - Release Date:
> 2/05/2007
2:16 PM
>
>

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he
would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the
ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What the
****** are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And
where do you think you're going?"





She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

There's an American, Japanese and an Irishman sat in the sauna. Suddenly a beeping noise is heard, American holds his arm up saying 'don't panic, just my pager, I've got one of those new ones, they implanted it under my skin'
Next a ring tone is heard, Japanese guy holds his hand up saying 'no panic, I've one of those new mobiles, they too implanted it under my skin.
By now the Irishman's feeling a bit left out. He leaves the sauna and comes back with a bit of bog roll hanging out his arse. He says 'Will you look at that fellas, I've just received a fax!'

--- WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES ..
Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.

A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize.

As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak.

When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve.

She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class all the way.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize.

The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!

The Skinny Dippers & The Old Man

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he
neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he

came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men can still think fast

I have heard funnier.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this
house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no
way we
can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front
door
with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last
night and
heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ****** if I'm
staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A lady walks into a high class Jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you fa*ted just looking at it, you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price"

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your f*****g arse is for."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the two moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.


The father said quietly to his son..... "Go get your mother!"

A husky country biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, but he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
He also stopped by the feed and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry his purchases home. While scratching his head he is approached by an older lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane! I would offer to walk you home but I can't figure out how to carry this stuff." The lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me." "How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and have my way with you?"
The lady replied, "You could set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket,and I'd hold the chickens!"

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the Principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a
question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong......

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the
man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...'' Oh, no need to
explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have
you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my specialty?"

"Well, that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs.
Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on
the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
>
>
>
>
>
Because they have big fingers.

An old man is sitting on his porch and sees his neighbors son Billy walking down the street.
Billy whats that you got in your hand he asks.
Billy says I got me a monkey wrench I'm gonna get me some monkey's.
The old man says you can't get monkey's with a monkey wrench.
A little while later Billy walks by with some monkey's.
Next day the old man sees Billy walking down the street and asks whats that you got in your hand.
Billy says I got me some duct tape I'm gonna get me some ducks.
The old man says you can't get ducks with duct tape.
A little while later Billy walks by with some ducks.
Next day the old man sees Billy walking down the street and asks whats that you got in your hand.
Billy saya I got me some pussywillows.
The old man says hold on let me get my hat.

The guy goes to the eye doctor. He's in the chair, and the docs checking his eyes left and right, grumbling to himself a bit. He says hold on a minute I need another piece of equiptment. walks out of the room, comes back with a different gizmo. Starts looking at his patient again, and says "Buddy, you're really going to have to stop masturbating". Patient says "Are my eyes really getting that bad?", doc says

"No, you're just freaking me out"

Black Panties

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was The same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his Birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.

Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a

T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.

'Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday

Tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says,

'I thought it meant

t!ts Go In Front.'

A Story to Cheer up Your Week

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring Kingdom. The monarch could have killed him. But was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by the year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises… He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gwain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was to too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gwain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gwain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched, farted and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gwain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gwain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she was a witch), half the time she would be her horrible deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question? Gwain began to think of his predicament. During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends but at night in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? OR would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but at night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?

Noble Gwain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down .
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you
sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions
and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle,
besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really
.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball,motorcycle, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.