Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Joke of the day

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase normally used on a daily basis, he went on his way Looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?" The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags"

One last easter joke,

Why does the Easter Bunny, hide her eggs?
Because she she dosn't want anyone to know she slept with a rooster.

Roast Beef Recipe


I'm only sending this to people who know who Gracie Allen was (and
some who can simply appreciate a good recipe.)

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef



1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

A man on his Triumph was riding along a California beach on a sunny day, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, he hears the Lord say,"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."The Lord replied,"Your request is purely materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

I just love this picture. Almost makes me wish I had a neighbor I was feuding with

as long as nobody minds...or even if ya do. I just saved that pic and am E mailing it out. LOL

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!!! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and says,
"Here's two weeks' pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!!!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's ".

Tmax

I love it.. had to copy and past to a guy I work with who's looking at a Honda..



Trev

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated. "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

GM's response-
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... Twice a day.

2.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and repoen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive- but would run on only 5 percent of the roads.

6.The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7.The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simulaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9.Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.You would have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.

During a Sunday sermon...
"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment a little girl who was listening intently leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

That one sounds suspiciously like it came right out of a slightly naughty "Family Circus" cartoon, Soren.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Blondes!" and went on to the second one.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Wrong!!" and went to the third blonde.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. St. Peter said, "Finally! Verrrrry good!"

But, the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted.

beanache, Loved it

So what your saying is I can quit trying to figer her out by my self huh.

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly the woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ... or what we did ... but, by God, we took first and second place."

Well done buddy. After being sad about hearing that Adey's
leaving, you got a good ol', long, laugh out loud, from me.

I feel better now.
Uncle Charlie
Thanks!

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?





The bee answered, "BP."

A Minister and a Texan were in a commercial airplane in first class seating. When asked by the stewardess about their drink orders the Texan replied, "I'll have whiskey ma'am." The stewardess then asked the Minister what he would like to drink. "It certainly WILL NOT be whiskey!" the minister replied. "I'd rather be flogged by 50 whores than have alcohol pass through MY lips!" The Texan then handed his whiskey back to the stewardess and said "Well hot &^%$!! I didn't know we had a choice!!!"

Very Old, but still funny

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b1tch out the window."

My private part died today....................


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a
nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked
if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died
today,and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied,

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."


The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his
private part hanging out of his pajamas,

when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't
be walking down the hall like that, so

please put your private part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that
my private part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas
today?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. ."Today's the viewing.

A door to door salesman knocks on a door. A boy of about eight answers, dressed in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

"Is your mum in, son?" asks the salesman

The boy replies " Does it f**king look like it??"

This is a great come back line …

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Triumph motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"


The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1.5 mil a year when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...''Try doing it with the engine running."

" A n extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents."Well," explained the Redneck..."She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall
socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".

So, how am I supposed to telphone Jack if I don't have his number?

Soren

LOL oops. Thanx man. The punch line helps.

Blondes on the bus

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus; the Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says:

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

http://joe-ks.com/archives_may2005/Elastic_Baby.htm
Open in Internet Explorer

Dear Abby:
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up..
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment , crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Newspaper Ads
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE :

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Three couples die in the crash of a small aircraft. Upon reaching the Pearly Gates they meet Saint Peter and ask admission into heaven.

To the first man St. Peter says “Throughout your life you were consumed by the pursuit of money. You ignored the plight of others and cared only for money, in fact, you even married a woman named Penny! Sorry, but you cannot enter Heaven.”

To the second man St. Peter says “Throughout your life you cared only for alcohol. You ignored the needs of others and were concerned only for your next drink. In fact, you even married a woman named Sherry! Sorry, but you cannot enter Heaven.”

The third man looked at his wife and “Well that tears it, we might as well leave right now Fanny.”

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vaccume cleaner.

Talk about a bad day!


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL PROBABLY BE SAFE, I'M JUST POSTING TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

Just to set the record straight on blondes and religion.





Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told
them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
turned her away.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he turns her away.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "Okay,
so, tell me." She says, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast
with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and t he Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in
a tomb; behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter r elies, "Verrrrrry good!"

Instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues,
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he
sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse,
so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I
also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing
the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix
herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your
aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his ******, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense
that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
club.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a
trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground and
kicked him in the balls. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick
the ****** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "Wow! When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."