Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Joke of the day

Spaghetti


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If
she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post
card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child
support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home
to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post
card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and
fainted.
On the card was written:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!"
Mike

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity

read with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
>>> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"...The drunk replied,

"Cause you're ugly."

"Cause you're ugly."

I always loved that one!

Hariet say's to her husband...
My cousin Richard is an artist. I would like him to come over one night and paint us making love.
The husband replies....
OH, he paints still life.

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in
wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I
Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a** hole?" he asked

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face.............. PRICELESS
For everything else, there's Master Card

Now I like that one!! LOL @ rectum stretcher!!

Avatar test.

Cheesy but funny all the same


A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way
So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

Cop overheard ticketing a blond:
"No lady, your speedometer said 90. Your radio dial said 65."

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

"Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear, " was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

What does a Horny Toad say?


"Rub it rub it"

A state trooper pulled over a car on Interstate 35 South of Des Moines for traveling well below the minimum speed. The driver, and three passengers, were all nuns.

Trooper: “Do you know you were driving below the minimum speed of 45 MPH?”

Driver: “But the sign says 35”

Trooper: “Sister, that is the number of the highway, not the speed limit. In this area the speed limit is 70, but the minimum speed is 45.”

Driver: “Sorry officer, I’ll speed it up.”

At this point the trooper looked at the passengers and saw that all three where very pale and sweating, two were trembling and all were constantly crossing themselves.

Trooper: “Sister, what is wrong with the other sisters? Are they ill?”

Driver: “I don’t know officer, they were fine when we left the convent. They’ve been like this ever since we were on Highway 141.”

Nuns at a hockey game


THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A HOCKEY GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.

BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY

BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE

NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE

TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK

I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE ONLY 100

NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO

GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING

THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE

ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,

AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID, "WHY

DON'T YOU GO TO H3LL . THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS

THERE."

That's pretty good Ian .

Oh BTW, HELL isn't one of the censored words here.

(but don't tell anyone, it might end up on the list )

Thanx I just liked the joke of the day idea. I'll keep posting them if I have time.

5 blonds go into an upscale bar and order champagne. One carefully sets out something on the table and they begin repeatedly toasting, "68 DAYS!"
The Bartender became curious and asked what they were celebrating. One answered, "Well, we got tired of everyone insulting our intelligence, so we decided to do something to prove them wrong. So, we decided to set a record working a really hard jigsaw puzzle. It only took us 68 days, and it says right here on the box, '2 to 5 years'."

What is it called when a blond dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

Someone walking along a river looks across and sees a blond. They shout, "How do I get to the other side?"
She answered, "You're already on the other side."

what do blonds and the Bermuda triangle have in common?......



they both swallow a lot of seaman!

The Chicken and The Egg

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

A woman and her husband were riding their Triumphs on vacation, but had to interrupt their trip to go to the dentist.

"I want a tooth pulled and I don't want to waste any time with any pain killers because we're in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said.

"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

Excuse me Paula, but your joke here...it sounds somewhat autobiographical in nature.

Am I wrong?

Three old mischievous grandmas were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home. About then an old grandpa walked by, and one of the old
grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There ain't n! o way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and
we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas stared at him
for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up
and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84
years old!"
"How in the world did you guess?!?"
The ornery old grandmas, snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and
grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison,

"Because you told us yesterday."

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What ha! ppened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot the little ba$tard!

The English: politest people on earth.

Deer...Dear?

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let
them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he
said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes".

The little girl screams "Don't eat it, it's a fluckin' a$$hole!!"

No joke, but I have a question.

Is diarrhea an act of human "free-will," or does it run in your jeans?

A dog looks at people and thinks "They feed me, house me, keep me warm and safe. They must be gods!"

A cat looks at people and thinks "They feed me, house me, keep me warm and safe. I must be a god!"

85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding

she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that

her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire

night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the

expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens

and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she

prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her

bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the

newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and

leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back

again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for

more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am

thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so

often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only

good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:

........"You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.

Amy, a blonde Colorado girl from Denver marries a Texas rancher. One
morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the
barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down
to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,
she tells him, "This is the one.. right here." Terribly impressed by what
he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
"Tell
me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy exp lains very
confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says:
"I guess it's to hang your pants on....

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" She asked.


The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
To which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."

OHHHH man jack...thats BAD!

Why did the Easter egg hide?

'Cuz he was a little chicken.

A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

"No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

"NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!

Now that one is funny!

Soren