Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Hamburgers

Oh Barry, you know they have places for people like you.

Dwight, I didn't even know they had Fatburger in Arizona. Like In-n-Out though, only in the Phoenix area. After looking at their website for a Phoenix area address, they do have franchises back east and elsewhere, but not nearly as prolific as in California and Nevada.

I got to admit I got hooked about three lines in and could not help but LOL as I read on. I remember think waht possible could be worse than to s**t yourself and pukke at the same time.

As far as hamburgers go if it is not dripping grease and mooing at the same time I do not want it.

Ok this has been around for some time also but after the Ryans story....I couldn't help but be reminded of this....


Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:
*********************************************
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy SH!T, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.

************************************
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

************************************************
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh1t-faced from
all of the beer.

*****************************
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. biker chick is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

***********************************
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

****************************************
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames.
I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally.
She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

*******************************************
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh!t to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.

****************************************
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili.

Reminds me of a story about an English Stockbroker on his way home from 'The City', who had an unfortunate bowel 'accident' on his to the railway station. As his train was due any minute he rushed into a gents clothing store opposite the station and bought a pair of shorts and pants. Looking out of the shop window, he saw his train arriving and throwing a large denomination bill down on the counter that more than covered the cost of the items, grabbed the parcel and ran out of the shop, just about managing to catch the train.

As soon as he was on board, he went to the toilet. He took off his shorts and pants and threw them out of the window. he then proceeded to clean himself up. When he was done he opened the parcel and found a 'V' neck long sleeved sweater !!!

Being a English Gentleman was he phased ? Nah ! He stuck his legs into the sleeves and used his bowler hat to cover his credentials !

Having eaten army food and been sent about eating airplane food by previous employers I have developed a relatively strong stomach although, rather simple tastes. BUT, there is one thing I find intolerable. It seems that sometime in the early 80's, some idiot started a trend of building burgers upside down. The proper construction is bun bottom, mustard, meat, cheese (optional), a thick slice of onion with a slightly smaller diameter than the meat, a slice of tomato slightly smaller than the onion. After that, pickle, lettuce, catsup or "secret" sauce, and the top of the bun. The way they are made now, it is a real challenge to keep the insides from squirting out.

Quote:

---

White Castle

---

Now there's one from my ever lengthening past...

I was going to school in Pittsburgh and was commuting. The only WT in the entire region was near the bus terminal. It was in an island between 3 strees and very small in size - Maybe 1/2 dozen stools, the counter and a flat iron griddle. It was busy as heck all day long. Those sliders were certainly juicy. I often ate on the run and you'd have to learn to kind of hold your head out a bit from your body as you raced to your destination so the grease wouldn't get all over you. Cheap, simple, and artery bustin' - GOOD EATS!

If there was anything on this planet that could make you s**t yourself and pukke at the same time it is White Castle sliders.

When I lived in Chicago it was the busiest place on earth at 3 AM in the morning after a night of hard drinking. Plus it was great place to take in a beating !!!

If you happen to be on Lawn Island (like benntbmn) go to a little place on Merrick road in Massapequa called All-American. The fries are still cut from potatoes & the burgers are legendary ( although I heard they've gotten smaller ) A good old mom & pop style burger joint Thats been around longer than my 42 years. The place is a zoo from Thurs nite 'till Sunday, but worth it. I haven't eaten a hambuger since the '80's but if my tastes ever change that's where I'd go.