Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge comedian one liners thread

Here's a couple more from Groucho Marx.

"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty"

"she got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon"

"Paying alimony is like feeding a dead horse"

"I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury"

And then from one of my favorites, Bob Hope:

"My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact my blood is solid marmalade"

"I left England at the age of four--when I found out I couldn't be king."

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the actors orphanage, he shot both his parents and moved in"

Concerning mention of Deep Throat in the Watergate Scandal " I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe"

Have a great day everyone!

I can't believe we forgot Rodney Dangerfield, one of the kings of the one liner:

* I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

* A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

* One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

* I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

* I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

* I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

* When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

* I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

* Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

* I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

* I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

* I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Don't forget this one Phil.....

* I was so ugly when I was born, instead of slappin' me on the rump, the doctor slapped my mother.

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

Hey you being from the south and you didn't mention Jeff Foxworthy?

If you mow the yard and find 3 cars, You might be a redneck

People keep stopping in front of your house because they think your having a yard sale, you might be a redneck.

You go to a family reunion to pick up woman, you might be a redneck

Another from the Blue collar comedy tour, Bill Envil "heres your sign"

One of my favorites is Bill was in a traffic jam on the freeway behind a trailer truck that got stuck at an overpass. A state trooper (Probably from Ft Liquorville Fl)
stopped and asked the truck driver if he got his truck stuck.
Without missing a beat the driver says "Nope, was delivering this overpass and ran out of gas", Here's your sign!!

What about the King of put down, you "Hockey pucks."??

Don Rickles to [To David Letterman] "Who picks your clothes.. Stevie Wonder?"

"When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket" (on Frank Sinatra)

Larry is awesome. I love Ron White too. Foxworthy is ok, but he's a little whiney in his delivery, gets old after a while. Some of them are great, just annoying to listen to. I like "If you spray paint your tru love's name on the overpass, you might be a redneck."

If your Dad's cell number has nothing to do with with a phone You may be a redneck.

I'm sorry Benny but someone had to say it and I've been holding it in for quite a while now. : Is your name Earl??????

I don't get it

Earl. Now that character is something. Not a bad TV show either

Q - Why is it a good idea to wrap your Gerbils in duct tape?

A - That way, they don't explode when you f--- them.

PETA will get you for that one LJ.

If go to the family reunion to meet women...you might be a red neck.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table, you might be a redneck.

If you have a Marlboro in your mouth in your wedding pics, you might be a redneck.

If you ever smoke a cigarette to freshen your breath, you might be a redneck.

If you're mom didn't take the Marlboro out of her mouth to give the cop the finger, you might be a redneck. (OK I think I butchered that one....)

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." -- Lily Tomlin

What's the best oxymoron you've heard? You know like the old classics: "military intellegence" or "jumbo shrimp".

Personally, I don't think anything can beat: "rap music"!

She was only the fishmongers daughter but she laid on the slab and said Fillet.
She was only the carpet layers daughter but she loved her under-felt.
She was only the councellers daughter but che wouldn't let the borough surveyor
Oh these old classics

Fast Harley?

Just heard a good one on "The 5 o'clock Funnies"(an excerpt from a stand-up routine, recorded at a local comedy club) a daily segment on KLOS-FM, the local Classic Rock station in Los Angeles. Didn't catch the comic's name, but I thought the line was pretty funny AND appropriate for the holidays.....

"I never get anything fun for Christmas anymore. Last year my Aunt Betty have me a robe. I remember thinking after I opened the box it came in...Gee, I can't wait to get the flu so I can wear it."

When I was in college, I had to take a course called
"Business Ethics"?????

"politically correct"

Oxymorons, gotta love them! Here's a few of my favorites:

pretty ugly
head butt
virtual reality
dodge ram
work party
Microsoft works

Boy, you guys are great. Bussiness ethics, Pretty Ugly, Politicaly correct. but I have to rank "microsoft works" right up there with "rap music" being a Mac user.

Do you remember when Win95 came out? They used the Stone's song "Start Me Up" as their theme, but always seemed to cut it off just before the line "you make a grown man cry."

Yes and one of the crappier Stones tunes at that.

16 Things it took me over 50 years to learn by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Dave Barry!!! Used to love to read his columns...

The best biker comedian ever is Ed Hertfelder. I know it's dirt-bike humor but 'The Duct Tapes' are the funniest things I ever heard. These are from the classic, "Did you ever ride an enduro?


Did you ever try to let a pound of air out of a tire and have the valve stick open?

Did you ever borrow a tool with your name already on it?

Did you ever loan a guy a tool with HIS name already on it?

Did you ever compete on eighteen inches of snow flurries?

Did you ever tighten a single loose spoke and loosen all the others?

Did you ever lean a bike on a dead tree and have the tree fall over?

Did you ever make a side cover gasket from the bottom of a pizza box?

Did you ever promise your heating pad that you'd never ride again?

Anyone know any Red Green lines?

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
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Santa Claus caught in a revolving door.

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

-George Carlin

TG,

I posed the rhetorical George Carlin observation by a friend of mine, and received the following response.

(No, originally it was put to a jiggy little Greek ditty---"who-ee the red-socked mayor".)

Being a simple-minded country boy who has friends light years smarter than himself, I don't have any idea what that means.

JH

No, but I wish I could find it on TV more often! Good show old boy....

Keep your stick on the ice