Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge comedian one liners thread

Steven Wright-

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room
temperature.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with
exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I
know you?'

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an
idiot.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I
said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time
to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court
jester-sized bed.

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep
it spread out on beaches all over the world.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then
run around the mall looking frantic.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is
always so neatly combed?

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are
furious!

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it
in only eight minutes.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a
satellite picture.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

You forgot one....
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
~George Carlin

"You can't save everybody, just try not to be next to them when they go off." - Dennis Miller

I'll never forget my father's last words: "Son, don't point that thing at me!" -Unknown

when you come to a fork in the road take it. yogi berra

nobody goes there anymore. it's too crowded. yogi berra

Excellent! This is such a great distraction from preparing for Thanksgiving! Cooking is over-rated.

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife." - Douglas Adams

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." -George Carlin

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight." -Rita Rudner

"Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your a**." - Michael Richards

How does a snow plough driver get to work !!!

George Carling has always been one of my favorite comedians, heres some of his one liners

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy, opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

29. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

30. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

31. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

32. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

33. There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
- George Carlin

Lily Tomlin-

“What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.”

“No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.”

"You just can't control a woman who's not inflatable" (Roseann Barr)

"If you're not confused, you don't understand the situation"

"You can count on 2 hours of hangover for each 20 minutes you stay after the barmaid starts looking good" (That's Jake)

what about Andrew dice clay???? anybody????
heres your jar of vasoline!!! now get back in the closet hahahahahahahahahahaha

I figured Dice would be a little too colorful for this site....but here goes anyway...

Hickory dickory dock,
This ....

ah.... nevermind

“I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on” Rosanne Barr

Also...
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."

Didn't Charlie Brown say-
"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand."

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, What he was doing in my pajamas I'll never know.....Classic Groucho

Thanks for posting this Paula, Steven Wright ROCKS!!! Haven't heard much new out of him lately (my best friend and I are both avid SW Fans), what a shame....

When you become senile, you won't know it.
~ Bill Cosby

1.when we where a kingdom we had a king,when we where an empire we had an emporer(sp?).now were a country and weve got margeret thatcher . sid aloitiuos(sp) snot(kenny everett).2. i wos stopped by the fuzz the other day an he asked where i was coming from and i said southall, then he asked where i was going and i said vauxhall, then he asked whats in the bag an i said ........nothing . sid snot

Thanks! really enjoyed it!

"I got caught by the Galactic Police doing the speed of light in a speed of sound zone. I didn't hear the sirens until after they arrested me." Robin Williams as Mork

"Those guys ain't so tough. The school I went to, after they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family." Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex without love is an empty experience. But, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." Woody Allen

cant have everything...where would you put it....just leave it where it is....as long as you know its yours....

Quote:

---

Cooking is over-rated.

---

Paula,
You really need to taste my cooking before you say that.
Cooking is an adventure!

Hey Dennis- I rate everyone else's cooking very highly! I cook so that my daughter and I don't starve. But I can whip up a really clean kitchen.

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright

I'm madder than an Omish electrician, Larry the Cable Guy

Larry the Cable Guy is a hoot! But the funniest part to me when watching him is I have friends just like him! or is that the saddest part?

A classic Stephen Wright:
"I have an answering machine on my carphone that says 'sorry I can't come to the phone, I'm home right now, I'll call you back when I'm out'."

and a more recent one I saw on a fairly new Comedy Central special:
"I wish my first word was 'quote' so just before I die I could say 'un-quote'."

An electrician called "Many Hands". Many Hands make light work.- Spider Robinson

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendoza

They say a woman ages like fine wine.....my wife is aging like milk...Jeff Dunham's "Walter"

You know what the best part about having kids is?
Making them!

-Rodney Dangerfield

This individual (Anonymous) is wicked clever.....

"What was the best thing before sliced bread?"

"What if there were no hypothetcial questions?"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."