Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Baaad Joke

A biker found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."

Next day the policeman sees the biker with the sheep again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"

The biker says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."

Dziak is a Polish name, so I'm allowed:

Polack walks into a bar with a parrot on his head,
bartender asks, "Where'd you get that thing:"

Parrot says, "Poland, there's millions of 'em"

I overheard a husband say something awful to his wife today..."Honey, why is it you are so beautiful but also so stupid?". I couldn't believe he said that!!!

She responded, "God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and ask me to marry you. He made be stupid so I would say yes!".

Actually heard this one by the preacher in today's Sunday Sermon!!!

Heres a joke from down under.

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too."

Didn't George Carlin do that one on his 1st album?

What's the fastest game in the world ?

Pass the parcel at a taliban birthday party

Quote:

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Didn't George Carlin do that one on his 1st album?

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No idea, it was sent to me on email this morning from a friend in South Africa.

A cowboy was riding the grubline trail looing for a place to spend the winter. He stopped at a saloon in SW Wyoming and asked the barkeep if anyone was hiring. Following up on the tip he landed a feeding job with an outfit just outside of town. The kid was back in town 2 weeks later and thanked the barkeep. "I like the area, but what do you do for fun around here? I don't notice any unattached women". Barkeep shrugged and pointed a thumb towards the small flock out the back door. "No sir, that's too much for me!"

Two months later the young cowpoke was back in town getting mighty lonely and thought "Well, when in Rome..". So he picked out a likely ewe, got her all cleaned up and went back to the bar with his date. "Beer for me and a cider for the little lady". While enjoying his refreshment he noticed the other patrons all sidled out the door, pretty soon the saloon was empty.

"What's the deal, I thought this was accepted practice around here?". Barkeep glanced over and replied "Ya, but not with the sheriff's girl!".

JH

Dave

A mother was giving her 3 year old son a bath. He point's to his wee little testicles and asks, 'Mommy, are those my brains?'. The mother replies, 'Not yet'.

A young girl was impatiently watching her father get a haircut; to occupy her time dad gave her a snack-cake. In an attempt to get her to sit down the barber told her, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." to which the girl replied, "Yeah, and I'm gonna have boobs!"

True Story.

A HD rider walks into a chiropodists office. "How can I help you" said the receptionist. "I keep thinking I'm a moth" said the HD rider. " You need a Psychiatrist" said the girl. " What made you come in here ? ". " the light was on....." said the HD rider.

A bear walks into a bar, steps up to the barkeep and orders a shot, a beer and ... ... ... .. ... .. ... .. .. . ... ... .. ... .. .. ..
....... ...
..... some peanuts. The barkeeps says: "Why the big paws?"

A young Lieutenant in the foriegn legion is stationed to an isolated outpost in Algeria...

He's talking one day the the posts Sgt Major and says...

"I notice Sgt Major their are no females on this post"
"Thats correct sir" is the reply.

"What then"the Lt asks "do the men do for um conpanionship?if you get my meaning?"

The sgt replys "Well sir us enlisted men have to take matters in hand so to speak. But for the officers they use
Marge the cammel".

"A CAMMEL" Screams the Lt."thats disgusting...and to think officers...I'd never" and storms away.

A few weeks later the Lt agian approches the Sgt Major and asks.

"Sgt Major. This cammel you told me about, where is she kept" The sgt rplies "shes kept tied behind the supply tent sir"
"I see" says the Lt. "And you say all the officers use her?even the Commander?"
"yes sir even the comander.Twice a month in fact"
"Disgusting"says the Lt. and walks away.

A few days later the Sgt Major is passing by the suppy tent.
And see's the young Lt standing behind the Cammel.Pants around his ankles wildly hummping the animal.

"SIR" he shouts "have you lost your mind.Thats disgusting.I'm going to have to report this"


The Lt shocked and confused says "But sgt major you told me all the officers use her."

"Yes they do sir" he says "they use her to ride to town.To the brothel"

Three pregnant women are in the doctor's office.
The first one says, "I'm gonna have a boy, because I was on top when we did it."
The second one says, "I'm gonna have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it."
The third one says, "Well, I guess I'm gonna have a Puppy."

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also tell you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"