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My Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is
dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador
Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The
vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The
vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

haha thanks.

Yeah sure, we haven't had a joke thread for a while.
Dolly Parton and the Queen of England both coincidentally die on the same day. They meet St. Peter at the Gates and St Peter tells them, "Well, both you ladies are acceptable here in Heaven but, we have a problem. We've already nearly filled our quota for celebrities this month, so I can only let one of you in today. You'll have to impress me with something so I can choose one of you." So Dolly opened her blouse up and St. Peter exclaimed, "Very impressive!" Then, the Queen walked over to a bathroom and flushed the toilet. She came back and St.Peter said, "That's it, come on in, your Majesty!" Dolly immediatly protested but St. Peter pointed out, "Now Dolly, everybody knows a Royal Flush beats two of a kind!"

Good one Ian.

A dog walks into a bar out west and says "I'm 'alookin for the feller who shot my paw".

And the bartender said " holy crap a talking dog "