Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge How about some jokes

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young chick. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, The husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her jeans were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

You can't always tell a pedophile, but you never have to tell one to slow down in a school zone.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you must be stoned cuz ducks don't talk! My dad use to like that one and it always makes me chuckle. There was another one about the 3 pigs asking a farmer something and the punch line was " holy crap a talking pig" and I wish I could remember how it go's !! Anybody know??

One day a guy came into a bar with a little man on his shoulder. After sitting down at the bar, he ordered a beer and when the bartender sat it down, the guy paid him and told him to take out a round for the guys at the other end of the bar. As the bartender sat the drinks down, the little man jumped down from the guys' shoulder, ran down the bar kicking the drinks over, ran back to the guys' shoulder, stuck out his tongue, put his thumbs in his ears wiggling his fingers and shootin raspberries at the others. Immediately, the guy started to apologize and told the bartender to set them up again. Well, the same thing happened 2 more times. The barkeep was tired of cleaning up the mess and asked the guy what gives. The man said he was traveling in the Arabian desert and came upon an Alladin's lamp, rubbed it and out popped a genie. He granted the
man 3 wishes. The bartender asked what all that had to do with this, to which the man replied, "My first wish was a gold Cadillac filled with money, the next wish was for a harem of beautiful women." The guy paused, took a deep breath, looked around and pointing at the little man said, "My third wish was for a 12-inch p r I c k and I got this little sob."

While fling at 30k feet the pilot comes on line and advises everyone to brace for a possible impaxt, they lost an engine, everyone begins to scream and panick, a lady stands up frantic screaming OMG OMG we are all going to die and i am not yet a Women....please someone make a women out of me before i die, a guy stands up three seats down removes his shirt, throws it at the women and says :here, go iron this!"

Under the heading of "Gratitude"...

A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left. As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass.

When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig.

"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said. "Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"

The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said.

The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."

The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?" He asked

"No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."

A guy decides to rob a bank because he is at the end of his rope financially. He gets a gun and practices his lines for when he walks into the bank. He wants to sound like a real hard case robber when actually he is scared to death.

As he enters the bank he pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the ceiling. Then with a nervous voice he yells.

Alright all you motherstickers, this is a fu!@Cup, put all your brains in this bag or I will blow your money out.

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

Goldfish have particularly bad memories so it was with Riley, little John's fish. He would swim round and round in his little fish bowl and every time he rounded the corner he would remark "Oh look there is a castle" come around again "Oh look there is a castle" ........."Oh look there is a castle"

A farmer had some chickens and a rooster. The rooster was getting on a bit and the farmer decided that he would get a younger rooster now so that when the old one passed he would already have one on hand.(jump forward in time one week). The farmer introduce's the new rooster to the hens. The old rooster comes up to him and says "there are only enough hens for one of us so I will race you around the barn and the winner gets the hens". The young rooster thinks this is great. He thinks to himself " Easy, I'm much younger and will beat him easy". The old rooster says " since I am old can I have a head start?" The young rooster says " sure" thinking "I can still beat him easily". So off they go- the old rooster first then after about a minute the young one. They round the corner with the old rooster leading and the young one gaining quickly, when BOOOM..... the farmer shoots the young rooster! "Damn!!! thats the third Queer rooster I've had to shoot this week!!!"

An Irishman walks out of a bar........

Hey, it can happen!

A young man goes to the library and can't help but notice a stunningly beautiful young woman sitting at a table alone, but surrounded by books and organized stacks of paper. He saunters over and initiates conversation by asking her what is she working on. She replies, I'm an Anthropology major and I'm putting the final touches on my final paper to seek my Doctorate. He says what is the specific subject of your thesis? To which she says, I'm sure you already know, Anthropology is the overall study of humankind, but my paper is an in depth study of which race of men are genetically predisposed to have the thickest penises and which race typically are endowed with the longest ones. He replies back, what conclusions have you arrived at?, her, After a world wide search and intense study, the data overwhelmingly suggests that, Norwegian men, surprisingly have the thickest ones and the American Indian male typically is endowed with the longest ones. Now warming up to his attention, she asks, So what's your name, to which he smoothly answers, My name? My name is Tonto, Tonto Johannsen, pleased to meet you.

I heard that with Indian and Polish and his name was Tonto Kawalski.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells No, honey, don't do it. The blond replies, Shut up you're next.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
.
.
.
Eleph-Rhino

Joe just bought a 2nd hand Harley. The bike looks better than a new one,although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition. Joe asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of
her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose
right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts......"I'll do the ken dishes!!"

A guy in a bar turns to the fellow next to him and says, "Excuse me, but ye have the look of an Irishman about ye."
The other fellow says, "Why yes, I'm from Dublin."
Sure an 'tis a small world, I'm from Dublin Meself, I lived on O'Mally street."
"Oh, what a coincidence, I lived on O'Mally street too."
"Then you probably went to school at Our Lady of the Iron Corset."
"Oh, I did. Wasn't that sister Mary Elizabeth an ogre though?"
"That she was. I still have the marks of her ruler on me knuckles!"

The bartender leaned over to a nearby customer and said, "It's going to be a long night, the O'Riley twins are drunk again."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

A minister is driving to New York to see a show when he is stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty wine bottle on the floor.

"Sir, have you been drinking?" he asks.

"Just water", the minister answers.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and says; "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

An old classic from a Lutheran church bulletin.

(...and speaking of Lutherans...)

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God.

Protestants don't recognize the pope as the Ruler of the Church.

Baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.

Two young businessmen in Tampa, Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, I'll bet that any minute now some SENIOR is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, What are you selling here?
One of the men replied sarcastically, We're selling azz-holes.
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, You must be doing well. Only two left.

Guy walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. Can I help you fella asks the cop. Yesssh, ssshombody ssshtol my motorcycle the guy replies. The cop asks, Okay, where was your motorcycle the last time you saw it?
It was at the end of this key,he replies. At this point the cop looks down to see the guys fly is unzipped. The cop says, Hey pal, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Guy looks down sadly and moans, OHHH GOD...they got my girl friend too!

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago

The professor was lecturing about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions" when he noticed no one paying attention.

Angrily, he asked a girl on the front row, "Young lady, do you have any idea what your as$hole is doing while you are having an orgasm"?

"Why yes", she answered. " He is usually out in the garage polishing his Harley".

Two young women arrive at work to start their day at the office and Mary raspily moans "My throat is so sore, how will I ever get through this day, answering the phone and making people their appointments?", her co worker, Jill responds"Whenever I have a sore throat, I give my husband a BJ and by morning my throat clears up as good as new, just go on home, we can cover you for one day." The next morning Mary and Jill arrive at work and Jill says, "Well is your throat any better?" Mary replies, "I followed your advice to the letter and my sore throat is completely gone, but you should have seen the surprised look on your husband s face when I told him the BJ I just gave him was all your idea".

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in prison

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are
the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss,
Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh1t!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

Reminds me of:

What does a lawyers wife do with her ******hole after sex?

Drops him at the office.

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day. She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go
to work, when I come home she's tearing my shirt of as I come through the door.
She's got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower
almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 70s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that ******."

I was on an Alitalia flight yesterday coming out of Rome.
Who should come down the aisle and sit in seat beside me but the Pope. The Pope! He exchanged greetings and as we took off he took out a newspaper and started doing a crossword puzzel. About a half hour into the flight the Pope turns to me and says he is stuck. He asked did I have any idea of another word for a women with 4 letters ending in _UNT. This is the Pope so I can't tell him what I am thinking. I say let me think about that for a minute. About ten minutes later I say to the Pope. How about Aunt. OH! he says Do you have an eraser?

Stolen by me from easyrider on the Thunderbird1600 site:



Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Two months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - intercourse or golf course?'

She said, "Don't forget your hat."