 late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6
Worn Saddle
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OP
Worn Saddle
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6 |
Heading down to Missouri tommorrow to talk to my little brother. Just got the bad news two weeks ago that he has a serious drinking problem, probably six years in the making or more. His wife called me for help, and she has moved out of the house with their 11 year old daughter. She's had enough. He lost his job last year, lost his license and is soon to lose his wife. Sounds like the bottom to me. He's promised to get help and "dry out" at an official facility but has reneged twice last week. Has admitted to the problem to me and our mother but seems unable to follow through. I'm looking for advice as to what to say to him. How to get him talked into entering a program? One more thing. Even though he is my only brother, we are not close, although I've tried. But I think he respects me. What tack to take? I'll read your advice tommorrow morning and think about it on the drive down. Thanks fellas.
Fidelis et Fortis
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 23,225 Likes: 62
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 23,225 Likes: 62 |
That is a tough one, he has to really want it. No one can make him get sober. I had a drinking problem and a bad one when I was younger and it took me hitting rock bottom and hurting someone I cared about pretty badly in a black out state. Some never wake up. I wish I had some better words of advice for you but I don't. All the enablers need to go away and helping him out of trouble doesn't really help him with his problem.
I learned all I need to know about life by killing smart people and eating their brains.
Eat right ,Exercise ,Stay fit, Die Anyway!
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 246
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 246 |
If you are able to go with him and walk him hand in hand through the first steps, maybe that could be a kick start he needs, but I agree that he really has to want it.
It is really tough to have a family member going through this. You and your Mom could join AlaNON for the non drinkers affected by this. They may also have good advice and resources for you. That stinks that you have to deal with this. hope things work out for the best.
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,425
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,425 |
Unfourtanatly, the others are right. He has to want it for himself. You might phically lead him into the facility, sign him in and make sure he goes in, But it comes down to him. Is it a once in no check out for 3 to 6 months or can he leave when he feels like it? My father went to rehab 3 times, and the first time it was for attention, cause he said it from the pulpet with out warning to mom or any of us, the next two times it was to keep mom from leaving him. (the first time was also)
None of it worked (as far as stpping drinking,, mom left after we all grew up on our own) till a heart attack in which he had to be put in a induced coma because after 3 hours in the hospital he went into DT's he has not touched any more since then and hopefully never will.
I wish you luck.
Mal: "Y'all see the man hanging out of the spaceship with the really big gun?{ref, Jayne} Man's lookin' to kill some folk. So really, it's his will y'all should worry about thwarting."
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,146
Oil Expert
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Oil Expert
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 2,146 |
Don't take him under your roof.
Don't give him money.
Don't fix his car.
Don't clean up his mess.
As long as someone else is gonna fix things he's not going do do what needs to be done.
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,212
Oil Expert
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Oil Expert
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,212 |
My brother in law (wifes twin) has a drinking problem, bad, to the point where he lost his job, house car , debts etc etc. My wife would always help him (twins are pretty close) but finally i had enough, he would break into our home, his parents home and all of that, we tried to help him, programs etc but we were spinning our wheels, he always had a cushion, finally we cut him off, changed all of our locks, put alarms on our homes, stopped giving him money, everything, done, cut off. He has to do it for him or it just won't work, don't enable him, his is a grown man, needs to start acting like one. And don't feel bad for him, he made his choices and continues to do so, there is help avaialble, no excuse. Tough? no bloody question its going to be tough, but thats where he is at.
2007 Speedmaster and miss it!
2013 T-Bird Storm and Luvin it!
Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 70 mph can double your vocabulary
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10 |
Ditto for me.I had a bad drinking problem.Lost the love of my life through it.
Anyway as Ian has said, HE has to want to do it.He needs to come to the point where he realises HE must stop.
It's tough.It's a terrible thing but only HE can do it.
Good luck and Good luck to him.
Sorry there's no comfort in what I've written, there's only a long hard road.BUT at the end is a new GREAT future.if HE really wants it.
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 12,877
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 12,877 |
Tough love, that's it. I'm literally related to Bill W, and AA is a great program, but it can't be forced!
Benny
Black & Silver '02
Too many mods to list
Not enough miles ridden
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6
Worn Saddle
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OP
Worn Saddle
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 6,060 Likes: 6 |
A heartfelt thanks for all the advice. I rode 4 hours down to his house and talked to him for about three hours on thursday, then spent another 7 hours helping him get ready and driving him to a rehab hospital. He was very compliant with the staff and I think he is going to get with the program. I was very relieved that he chose to walk through that door. He just needed a little nudge to get there. The facility is very nice, and a whole group of patients there greeted him and assured him he was in the right place. It's looking good right now. Thanks again folks!
Fidelis et Fortis
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 3,995 Likes: 10 |
Good luck to Him and he should give thanks he's got you on his side. Well done 
Dinosaur.
"Oh Man I only ride 'em.I don't know what makes 'em work". Donald "Oddball" Sutherland
"Don't let the bastards get you down". Kris Kristofferson
"I am only paranoid because everyone is against me". Larry [Frank Burns] Linville
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 490 |
I hope he is sincere about rehab, you will get upbeat phone calls telling you how great things are going inside & they will be. The truth will be found out when he is on his own in the world. If he hangs with the same friends, frequents the same places then it will never work. It sounds like he hit bottom but everyone's bottom is different. I lost everything, house, wife, great job, even my car and served nine months of a two year sentence due to booze influenced decisions. I did rehab, felt good about myself and thought moving would help..wrong, I met my new party playmates at the local AA meeting. One more year of drinking, two DUI's and I finally had it. That ended 22 years ago & I have not had a drink since. I am a certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor, worked in the field for a short time but realized that it was for my own benefit. I hate to go against what MsChevious1 told you but I am dead set against Ala-non, it may give you a little insight as to whats going on with your brother in the beginning but too long hanging around there & you become a non-voluntary co-dependent.
I wish your brother the best, he can come back from this...if he wants to.
Ride like you mean it.
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,212
Oil Expert
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Oil Expert
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,212 |
Quote:
I hope he is sincere about rehab, you will get upbeat phone calls telling you how great things are going inside & they will be. The truth will be found out when he is on his own in the world. If he hangs with the same friends, frequents the same places then it will never work. It sounds like he hit bottom but everyone's bottom is different. I lost everything, house, wife, great job, even my car and served nine months of a two year sentence due to booze influenced decisions. I did rehab, felt good about myself and thought moving would help..wrong, I met my new party playmates at the local AA meeting. One more year of drinking, two DUI's and I finally had it. That ended 22 years ago & I have not had a drink since. I am a certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor, worked in the field for a short time but realized that it was for my own benefit. I hate to go against what MsChevious1 told you but I am dead set against Ala-non, it may give you a little insight as to whats going on with your brother in the beginning but too long hanging around there & you become a non-voluntary co-dependent.
I wish your brother the best, he can come back from
this...if he wants to.
That's absolutely right, addicts become very clever, do what is expected and they are still carried, the info, the rules and program are good but he still needs to do them, the real world is always an issue, the drinking is only a symptom, he has to change something about himself,find his place, his peace. Good luck to him.... sincerely '
2007 Speedmaster and miss it!
2013 T-Bird Storm and Luvin it!
Catching a yellow jacket in your shirt at 70 mph can double your vocabulary
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Re: late night advice sought/AA
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 23,225 Likes: 62
Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 23,225 Likes: 62 |
I was the exception to the rule when I quit I still went to the same bars and hung out with the same people and did all the same stuff. The difference was I was drinking soda or water and only when I was thirsty. I quit smoking at the same time. I did not touch a drop for 24 years. Last 3 years I have been drinking again but because I always missed the taste of dark beer.I now will have 1 maybe 2 beers every couple weeks. I never find myself wanting more and have no urge to get drunk. If I ever did , even a little. I would drop it again. I remember how I was, mostly violent.
I learned all I need to know about life by killing smart people and eating their brains.
Eat right ,Exercise ,Stay fit, Die Anyway!
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