Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Triumph Genius

Got this today , just had to share it.

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Triumph , cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
Smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is
so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another
and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so
advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and
have him looking for work on 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we
can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them
both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the
conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine,
we can take an ****** out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have
half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

The Eurostar travels from London to Paris, in one of the carriages sits a Frenchman, an old lady, a young woman and an Englishman.

They go through the first tunnel and they all hear a loud slap.

When they come out of the other side the Frenchman is sat there looking bemused with a big red handprint on his cheek.

He thinks "merde! what was that?"

The old woman thinks "I bet he put his hand on that girl's leg and she slapped him".

The young woman thinks "I bet he tried to put his hand on my knee and got the old woman and she slapped him".

The Englishman thinks


"I can't wait for the next tunnel!"

Nah! What's wrong with you, Dave??? You better see your doctor about that there memory loss o' yours!

Yep! We were movin' right along until January 20th, dude!!!

(...a short two months ago to this very DAY, I might add!!!)

Hey! I've got one in this vein TOO here!!! And before to think you've heard this one before and think ya know the punchline, I advise you folks(especially you regular "attendees" who frequent the "Other Bike" forum) to read it completely through! So here goes.....

There's three guys in an airplane that's about to crash: A Frenchman, a Mexican AND a Texan.

Now, as you may have already guessed here, there's ONLY two parachutes.

And so, first the Frenchman jumps up, grabs one of the parachutes, flings open the door of the airplane, and just as he jumps yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!"

A few seconds later the Mexican jumps up, and starts to grab the one remaining parachute, but then the Texan jumps up and grabs him and says, "Well Pedro, I WAS gonna grab that parachute from ya and put it on and yell, "Remember the Alamo!" as I jumped out this ol' airplane, BUT seeing as how I think that new Triumph Thunderbird is gonna sink Triumph's fortunes, I'm so depressed that I really don't care if I crash or not! So go ahead and KEEP that there parachute, amigo!!!"

A preist, a biker and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "what is this? a joke"?

...and the alternate punchline to that joke is...

...and they all said at the same time, "OUCH!!! Who the heck put that bar there?!!!"

3 Irish ladies were riding in on the open upper level of a bus in Dublin. One said, "It's windy today."
The second said, "It's not Windsday, it's Tharsday."
The third said, "Yis, I'm tharsty too."

What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.

maybe he's a Harley rider


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!



Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE ******!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-******, THAT HURT LIKE ******!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I ****** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

A man was riding his TRIUMPH along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. "

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. "

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. "

The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

I love that joke Soren, heard it a few times before. I think it's funny because it has a ring of truth to it!