 Southern jokes
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 763
3/4 Throttle
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OP
3/4 Throttle
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 763 |
Well can any of my American friends tell me is this true...
we have the Irish who are recond to be a bit .....
Tennessee---------The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice,so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from theUniversity of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to giveyou $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything butmy earrings.
'Alabama -------A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off intwos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where'sHenry?' the others asked. 'Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back upthe trail,' the successful hunter replied.'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' theyinquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is goingto steal Henry!'
Texas -----The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out ofhis pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are youdumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right overyour head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For DumpingGarbage'.
Louisiana ---------A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of theworld comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana becauseeverything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the restof the civilized world.
Mississippi -----------The young man from Mississippi came running into the store andsaid to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truckfrom the parking lot!'Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his licensenumber.
Georgia-------A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. Thetrooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'The driver replied, 'Bout whut?
North Carolina --------------A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the sideof the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in frontof the car and one behind it.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the sceneas he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.He asked the fellow what the problem was..The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'The
passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to putflares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make nosense to me neither.
'And this from South Carolina
-----'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't neverheard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,048
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,048 |
Quote:
Well can any of my American friends tell me is this true...
we have the Irish who are recond to be a bit .....
Tennessee---------The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice,so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from theUniversity of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to giveyou $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?' The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything butmy earrings.
'Alabama -------A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off intwos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where'sHenry?' the others asked. 'Henry
had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back upthe trail,' the successful hunter replied.'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' theyinquired. 'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is goingto steal Henry!'
Texas -----The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out ofhis pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are youdumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right overyour head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For DumpingGarbage'.
Louisiana ---------A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of theworld comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana becauseeverything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the restof the civilized world.
Mississippi -----------The young man from Mississippi came running into the store andsaid to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truckfrom the parking lot!'Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his licensenumber.
Georgia-------A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. Thetrooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'The driver replied, 'Bout whut?
North Carolina --------------A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the sideof the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in frontof the car and one behind it.Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the sceneas he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.He asked the fellow what the problem was..The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'The
passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to putflares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make nosense to me neither.
'And this from South Carolina
-----'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't neverheard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
The first one was silly, She would have taken the earrings off too, and multiple times!
And, I like flares
01010100 01110010 01101001 01110101 01101101 01110000 01101000 <3
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1 |
Quote:
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't neverheard of anyone wanting to retire to the North
That says it all.
Stewart
.......
"It's outside your field of expertise."
"Poppycock normally is."
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 10,727 Likes: 5 |
Louisiana joke made me laugh.
Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck. Then pretend to be someone else.
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,664
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,664 |
An Ohio State University graduate welding engineer representing a major power corporation in the Northeastern USA made a smart comment years ago just before I was to be presenting a welding seminar concerning heat input in stainless steel welds, saying "Great, a Southern welding engineer!" I asked him why he had a problem with that. He then informed the 50 people present that Southerners didn't pronounce their words correctly. I asked him for an example, and he said "Tire". I informed him that I said "tire" myself and asked how most Southerners pronounced the word. He said "TAR". I looked at him like I was confused and said, "Oh! you're talking about an automobile. I thought you were talking about a cooling tire at a pire plant". The room erupted in laughter, and he later told me "that was the most informative presentation" he had ever seen. Intelligence is judged more by where you are than what you know - sad. But this is a funny post. Keep them coming! 
Ride Safe,
Dennis
Triumph, it's how I live and what I ride.
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 482
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 482 |
Young Georgia girl... about to lose her flower of love...
yells with passion,....
" Diddy, get off me, your crushin' my Marlboro Lights!"
George
Freelance Observer
07 BA with 605's, engine dresser bars, and cheap saddle bags.
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Fe Butt
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Fe Butt
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 23,207 Likes: 58 |
Forgot Arkansas, where the men are men and the sheep are scared! 
I learned all I need to know about life by killing smart people and eating their brains.
Eat right ,Exercise ,Stay fit, Die Anyway!
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,284
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,284 |
A hillbilly fresh back from his honeymoon is asked by his daddy..."where's ya new wife?"
"I shot her." the son replied "She said she was a virgin."
"****** right." said the father "She ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours"
Strangler
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 Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jun 2006
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Loquacious
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Loquacious
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In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from afar."
Steelheart- '03 Speedmaster Black/Yellow
The Hayabusa Killa
16" Shorties/140 mains/Airbox drilled
Procom CDI
"There is no cure for Celibacy. But we can treat the symptoms."
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Apr 2008
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Loquacious
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Loquacious
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Seems like poor ol'Florida always suffers from an identity crisis. Doesn't come to mind as a "Southern State", in jokes at least! 
And you may see me tonight
With an illegal smile
J. Prine
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 3,611 Likes: 1
Loquacious
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Loquacious
Joined: Jan 2005
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That's cause most of the population of FL is transplanted northerners.
Stewart
.......
"It's outside your field of expertise."
"Poppycock normally is."
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,284
Learned Hand
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Learned Hand
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,284 |
Quote:
Seems like poor ol'Florida always suffers from an identity crisis. Doesn't come to mind as a "Southern State", in jokes at least!
Hang on a second...
Strangler
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3
Old Hand
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Old Hand
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 8,639 Likes: 3 |
In Miami, how many English speaking waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
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Both of them.
Let's hope there's intelligent life somewhere in space 'cause it's buggar all down here. -- Monte Python
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 2,626
Loquacious
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Loquacious
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If you go more than 45 minutes away from the Atlantic Ocean,
you'll be suprised just how Southern, Florida can be.
Visit Ocala, Sebring, or Palatka and you'll see what I mean.
Steelheart- '03 Speedmaster Black/Yellow
The Hayabusa Killa
16" Shorties/140 mains/Airbox drilled
Procom CDI
"There is no cure for Celibacy. But we can treat the symptoms."
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 533
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 533 |
Q. What does a hurricane and a divorce have in common in the state of Florida?
A. No matter which way it goes, somebody's going to lose a trailer.
2018 FLHCS
2014 Surly Straggler - 16,000 miles and counting!
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 228
Adjunct
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Adjunct
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 228 |
Backwoods High Tech
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
2007 TBA - Pacific Blue/New England White
Mods: Highway windscreen, tall sissy bar/rack, TOR-short, tachometer
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,126 Likes: 13
Should be Riding
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Should be Riding
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 11,126 Likes: 13 |
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1''2''3''4''5'
At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .
Blowing gravel off rural roads
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 320
Adjunct
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Adjunct
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Posts: 320 |
This is no joke...I actually saw a sign down here that said:
For Sale
Far Wood.
SteveB
"I live the life I love and I love the life I live."
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Re: Southern jokes
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 3,937
Loquacious
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Loquacious
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Posts: 3,937 |
Anyone been here long enough to remember what the little sign said as you turned off hwy 50 towards the town of Ocoee?  No, it wasn't a joke. 
And you may see me tonight
With an illegal smile
J. Prine
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