MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
“Hello, and thank you for calling your local State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu…â€
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1…repeatedly…and call back every day at the exact same time.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the
line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, either it doesn't matter which number you press because
nothing will make you happy anyway - or you’ll be happy no matter which number you press.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are masochistic, you know it’s your own fault for not knowing which number to push, but when you figure it out, push it really, really hard until it hurts.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
