Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Dear Alcohol

Ok, so even though I don't drink, vicariously, I can participate in the drinking threads. Saw this today. Tee- hee.

Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? Or the embarrassing text message that I have to read in the morning. If I wouldn't text it when I am sober why do you let me text it late at night??


2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce?!?! Along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. Hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Wednesday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

this has been on the board for 3 hours and none have given a reply, so i'll take a shot at it... took off today,,sat around,,,,, fed my pet squirrels and watched them enjoy life,, drank a few bud lites while watching,,,,,,,,YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS!!!!

I'm alergic to alcohol. I break out in handcuffs.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore....

Deer and alcohol - a dangerous blend .

Dear Alcohol,

After our meeting last night, more specifically with Mrs. Beer & Mr. Gin. I only have one thing to say to you.

If I knew I was going to be this thirsty this morning I would have drank way more last night.

Thanks for the nothing!
Ceuls

The things we do for Alcohol.Do like a Jack and Coke. And if I can ever find it Genesee 12 Horse Ale. It will make you do stupid things. Now I have to buy some coke.
This makes me thirsty

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Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

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I can quite honestly say, that i have NEVER said that, drunk or otherwise.

Of course, it also has to be said, that i dont often get offered.

Quote:

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Dear Alcohol

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...you complete me

Paula,

Thanks, I'm printing this out as my days with alcohol are over doctors orders if I want to make it for a little while longer.

I do not want to throw water on a light hearted post, but I'm paying the price now for years of drinking and smoking.

The smoking is proving to be much harder to stop, I spent two week in the hospital recently and found out my esophagus is shot.

Barrett's Esophagus, fancy term for your ******. I will be starting a modified form of chemo next week.

I guess the hard part of this is I did this to myself it may have taken many years, but I ingored the heartburn and acid reflux I have eaten more Tums over the years than I care to remember and never gave it much thought.

Guy's\Gal's if you have heartburn or acid reflux more than twice a week please please go see your doctor. Do not wait and put it off becaue you feel better. If I followed my own advise I would not be in the situation I'm in now.

John

Good Luck John. I'll be thinking about you.

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Guy's\Gal's if you have heartburn or acid reflux more than twice a week please please go see your doctor. Do not wait and put it off becaue you feel better. If I followed my own advise I would not be in the situation I'm in now.

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I dont like the sound of that. I have heartburn/acid reflux three or four times A DAY! I always put it down to the fact i eat like crap and have put on the dreaded middle age spread.

I have rolaids and tums all over the place, in the office, in the car. Never go anywhere with out them.

Where's Yota when you need him?

Not only does he know all this stuff, he's got a PhD.