Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge joke of the day!

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch s bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and scr&wing them when they weren't paying attention?

wayne

Funny joke!! To bad it has a lot of truth in it.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and scr&wing them when they weren't paying attention?

That's very true guy's, but at least we live in free countries so at least we can vote for the dogbreath that's going to scr£w us over, horay for the democratic system, YEH YEH!

A Diary Review: Moving South, 2007


May 30, 2007: Just moved to Knoxville, Tennessee from Chicago, Illinois.


Now, this is a city that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm


balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park while lying


on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.



June 14, 2007: Really heating up. Got to 100 degrees today. Not a


problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.


What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a


sun worshipper.



June 30, 2007: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.


Lots of cactus and rocks. The yard is a breeze to maintain! No more mowing


the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love living in Nashville!



July 10, 2007: The temperature hasn't been below 100 degrees all week.


How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy,


but getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.



July 15, 2007: Fell asleep by the pool and got 3rd degree burns over 60%


of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my


lesson, though. Got to respect the OLE sun in a climate like this.



July 20, 2007: Morgan (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left this


morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and


swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather


upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles


and sh--. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.



July 25, 2007: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!


And it's hot as he--! The home air-conditioner is on the Fritz, and the


AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order


the parts.



July 30, 2007: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.


The monthly house payment is $1,500 and we can't even go inside.


Why did I ever come here?



August 4, 2007: It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed


today for a cost of $900. The temperature gets down to 78 degrees, but


this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95 degrees.


I hate this stupid city.



August 8, 2007: If another wise a-- person cracks, "Hot enough for you


today? I'm going to strangle him. da-- heat. By the time I get to work,


the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like


baked cat.



August 9, 2007: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and


sat on the black leather seats in the ole car. I thought my a-- was on fire.


I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs.


Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried flesh and baked cat.



August 10, 2007: The weather report might as well be a recording.


Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do


anything for two months, and the weatherman says it might really


warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this desert? Water


rationing will be next, so I might as well watch $1,700 worth of cactus


just dry up and blow into the pool. Not even cactus can live in this


heat.



August 14, 2007: Welcome to he--!!! The temperature got to 105 degrees


today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of


the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"


My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.


Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

The Burglar



Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud
voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a
severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly.
He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies,
Captain Crunch, and many others.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima,
delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how
much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he
was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two
children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20
minutes.

An Irish man walks into a bar and buys the only other patron a drink and they strike up a conversation. "So where are you from?" the man asks.
"Dublin."
"No way, me too! Where did you go to school?"
"St. Mary's."
"Really, I did too! This is amazing."
"I know! When did you graduate?"
"1982"
"I don't believe it, me too!"

During their conversation another patron walks in and asks the bar tender what the two men are doing.

"Oh, nothing. The O'malley twins are drunk again."

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”

Q. What did the US Marine say to the Iraqi insurgent he caught with his arm all the way up a camel's rump?

A. "Having car trouble?"

Ok here we go,,,

2 lets say Slobovians (is there a Slobovia?) are visiting Egypt. They decide to go a bit native, and rent a camel to do some sight seeing . But their buget will only allow them to rent one camel.

After passing through a small village, one Slobovian jumps off runs behind the camel, lifts its tail studying the animals hind end.

The other Slobovian shouts down "Yackoff.. what are you looking for?"

Yankoff replies "Didnt you hear that villager shouting..HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THAT,, A CAMEL WITH 2 A*SH*L*S".

When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. Ever wonder why?


She smells like a new truck.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen

In Honor of Steven Wright WHO I AM GOING TO SEE TOMORROW EVENING IN PROVIDENCE AND I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T EVEN PRETEND TO BE DEADPAN....

"The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me."

"What a nice night for an evening."

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

“I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn’t matter.”

“I went to take her out. Her father said, ‘I want her home by eight fifteen.' I said, ‘The middle of August? That’s cool.’”

You've got to give a report Paula; he's fantastic but isn't touring anywhere near me.

"sometimes, when I'm making love to my wife, I close my eyes and pretend I'm someone else."

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Half the people you know are below average.

I love this guy...

One little pig
Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's
door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he
asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar
attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a
runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a
bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn.
Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up,
and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals
out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a
might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the
hill into the pond I was knocked clean out.
When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out
'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him
up, too."
"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat
him all at once."

Gotta love Steven Wright! Ever heard of Emo Phillips? One of my favorite Emo routines:

"The other day I was hanging floss out to dry when I see someone coming down the sidewalk and I say to myself 'My God, that's Jimmy Peterson! I haven't seen him since second grade!' So I run up to him and start pounding him on the back saying 'Hey Jimmy, you moron, you old drunken reprobate!' and he falls to the sidewalk and starts screaming 'Mommy, mommy!' and I think 'Wait a second...if that's Jimmy Peterson, he would have grown up too..'"

Emo!!?...
One of my all time favorite Emo pieces...

"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over."

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

"Well Dave, at this time it hasn't been decided if Mr. Steinbrenner or myself will get custody of Billy Crystal!"

[ex-Yankee manager Joe Torre to David Letterman last night]

Surprises that come in boxes
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop
and asked," Champagne?

"No," said the little boy ... "It's a puppy!"

Another blonde joke
A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she's paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney, and I'm staying right here!"
Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry- I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied..... "I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney"

CNN ......breaking news...........

it has just been reported that a light aircraft has crashed into a graveyard in Dublin. So far emergency services have recovered 324 bodies.

Guy tells his therapist "doc, every day I come home from work I have this insaitiable desire to have sex with my dog." The doctor asks,"is it a big dog or a little dog?" The man replies,"it's a big dog." The doctor then asks,"is it a male dog or a female dog?" To which the man incredulously replies, "doc, what do you think,I'm gay?"

I appologize to all offended groups in advance

Not so much a joke as a tale that might have happened to one of my neighbors:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some
dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly
blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head—almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal—like a horse-- ; strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had A pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted To buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), Which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to Frank's Place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked Him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He Decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and Shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and Have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on!"

A dangerous criminal breaks out of gaol, late at night he enters a house and disturbs the owner and his wife, naked in bed. After a terrible fight the bad guy subdues the husband and ties him to a chair then goes over to the wife and appears to kiss her neck and then goes to the bathroom. the husband takes this chance to appeal to his missus... look, he says, this guy is very dangerous, there's no telling what he might do to us and it's obvious that he fancies you, so whatever he wants, let him do it,anything,anything, I promise I won't hold it against you and remember this...I love you honey.The wife replies..he did'nt kiss my neck,he whispered in my ear, he said he was gay and that he thought you were cute..and was there any vasoline in the bathroom....and I love you too honey!!!

The Flight Attendant's 'Big Easy' Experience



Man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a big ole box of frozen crabs. A female crew member insisted on taking the box, promising to keep it safe in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Handing it over, the man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the box thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ...so she took them home and ate them herself!




Smart Lady