Bonneville America Forums Forums Off Topic Discussion Forums Lounge Haynes manual humor

Some are just too true.

http://www.mez.co.uk/haynes.html

If you have ever read an old Royal Enfield service manual they had a sense of humor. Those bikes were built in old tunnels under ground. I think it was old bomb shelters if my memory serves. But the manuals talk about surface people. Like you surface people will want to do this or you surface people will want to do that.

alot of truth to those statements

Funny stuff!

Surface people? Does that make the rest of us like the Morlocks from H. G. Wells "the time machine"?

The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
(AMERICAN Translation: Clamp the sucker with visegrips and then beat the crap out of it with a hammer goin' counter-clockwise. Don't chu know what "counter-clockwise" means, you dummy?!)

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
(AMERICAN translation: It's rusted like a MFer ... hold it with a crescent wrench then....[the rest, the same, pretty much])


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in he!! matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
(AMERICAN Translation: Ain't no way in he!! THAT sucker's going in THERE!!! Hold it with a crescent wrench...etc, etc, etc....)

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
(AMERICAN Translation: Ya SHOULD'A read the friggin' INSTRUCTIONS before you tackled disassembling that d*mn tranny, you hockey puck you!!!)

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
(AMERICAN Translation: Go get a freakin' CAN of WD40...the BIG can!)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
(AMERICAN Translation: What the F... was THAT!!! It almost put my eye out!)

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
(AMERICAN Translation: same...aka "Putting it on the back-burner" in The States)

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
(AMERICAN Translation: Murphy's Law(hey...he was IRISH, wasn't he?)

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
(AMERICAN Translation: GEEEEZ!!! Your MOM could'a done this crap...How the heck did you screw this up so bad???!!!)





(I KNEW most o' you guys[fellow Yanks] would know this stuff, but cha never know, ya know!)


(Aren't cha glad I'm always 'round here ta help?)